Women Are Crazy

As my male writing partner likes to inform me on a weekly basis, “Women Are Crazy.” I’d like to disagree, but it’s like playing golf against Tiger Woods. I’ll never win. Prime example: my biggest complaint about being a mother of two is my lack of personal time. During the day I can’t write, cook or even pee without a child attached to my shin. Sure, I get stuff done, but it’s like walking through molasses in lead boots: eventually I get to the other side, but not without a lot of stick, a lot of goo, and a lot of pit stops to change diapers, make bottles, and remind Dominic that Sophie does not enjoy being fed dog food (though it’s better than some meals I have cooked.) You’d think that I would be thrilled that James and I aren’t having any more kids. (And when I say “no more kids” I mean, in the permanent sense. There were skid marks to the vasectomy room after my daughter was born.) Resorting to surgery seemed the right thing to do, given my weekly meltdowns of “I don’t have enough 'me' time!” and my penchant for getting knocked up the minute my husband holds my hand. I’m only 35. What are we going to do? Have a child a year for the next 8 years? I could do it, but I’d be about as tired as that Christian lady from the Midwest who gave birth to eight kids at once. I could handle the daily crying, but I have this irrational notion I’d end up with her crooked teeth, too, and there’s where I draw the line.

We reasoned that with the fertility buffet closed down, we can plan for our future. One year from now, Sophie will be two, Nick almost four, and both will be in preschool. I’ll finally have time to myself again. Maybe I’ll go back to work. Maybe I’ll start up my own business. Maybe an alien will take over my body and I’ll just cook, clean and garden all day. The world will be my oyster with time as its pearl. This seemed like a glorious future. I was completely satisfied with our decision. Until I saw pictures of Liz’s newborn and I approached my husband in tears: “I want another baby”. Like Herb says, “Women are Crazy”.

(* Picture of Liz and Brianna Muriel)