Bitches, Pitches and Dick

Because I am supposed to be punching up pitches for our big Warner Brothers meeting on Friday, I will have nothing insightful to add tonight. However, since I'm procrastinating work, I am subjecting you to some random events - and mostly irritations - I have witnessed this week:

1. Richard - a super fat two year old I met at an indoor playground yesterday. Flashforward to public junior high... a fat kid named Dick? He's dead in the water.
2. Twin Dragon Almond Cookies - possibly the best combination of sugar and lard in the history of time. Odd that the calories are so high, and yet the Chinese are so little. Maybe precious Dick will figure it out in between getting his ass kicked.
3. Our TIVO: It currently stores about 20 Battlestar Gallecticas, 10 Modern Marvels, 5 Automaniacs, 15 Stargate SGIs, 5 Sesame Streets, 10 Blues Clues, 1 Zillion and Five Dora the Explorers and... 1 Oprah. Oh, so you see an uneven advantage favoring the kids and the husband as opposed to the mommy? Duh........
4. Moms whining about the lack of time in their lives to be Mommy and Super Woman (me being one of them): The bottom line is that you can't have it all. Either you are a career person who has less time for the family, or you're a family person that has less time for a career. There's no in between. Pick one and stop bitching about it. (And when you do that, please send me an email as to how you did it)
5. World Cup Soccer: It's a fact that when the defeated country loses the cup, murders take place. When they win the world cup, men go home (and most likely behind the bleachers) and have lots of sex. As a consequence, the birth rate of that country goes up something like 20%. I think the next time a woman loses something that's equally vital to her being - say her career, her identity or her pre-pregnancy perky soldiers - she should just go out and kill the family dog. If she wins it back, she should demand spooning and backscratches that last 18 years. Sound fair?
6. "I Love Mexico" bumper stickers: I'm all for immigrants starting a new life in America. It's what all my grandparents and husband's grandparents did. I even speak fluent Spanish (My family is shocked that I am Andrea P.and not Andrea Maria Lady of Twin Dragon Almond Cookie Martinez.) But guess what: my ancestors bought insurance so if they crashed their cars (In those days they didn't have 'I Love the Poland Ghettos' bumper stickers) they could pay their debt and go back to their fabulous jobs of digging dishes, moving furniture and house painting.
7. "I'm taking a one hour drive after work to pick up my car bumper": Says my husband, who lost his bumper on the freeway the day before while taking a German client out to dinner on the company dime. He doesn't ask, "Do you mind?" Of course I'd have said, "No problem." After all, he's usually home by six each night. It's simply the assumption that pisses me off. I'm supposed to just "understand" since he makes the money- despite the fact that I've been up since 6 am with the kids. What if I said, "I need to sleep in until 12 tomorrow (without asking his plans) because it should be "assumed" that since I'm the emotional nurturer that's keeping our kids from turning out like Richard that I deserve a break? (See, I'm already a hypocrite about number 3. It's just so easy to bitch. And honey, I really do love you. Also I understand that taking your German colleague to Vegas this weekend is just druggery that you have to do for work on their expense account, just like you'll understand when I take a weekend trip to Monterey with Cecelia on your expense account. )
8. Well meaning Christians: Who end every conversation with a smile and "God Bless You". I'm a Christian myself (or at least trying to be - that blog could go on for days) but I don't feel the need to assume God's grace and knight people with it. What if they don't believe in God? What if they're unsure? Why is it okay for strangers to say to me "God Bless You" but I can't say back to them "Shave your lip hair." At least my response would point to an actual fact.

I should probably do a top 10 list like the professionals, but since I'm posting for free, I'm done. But not without the....

Dominic Highlight of the Day: We were saying the "Our Father" at bedtime (because that's what we waffling Christians do. And yes, "God Bless Me". As for you, "Go do something more constructive that reading this blog") and we got to the part about "On earth as it is in Heaven". Nick wanted to know what Heaven was. I told him it was where my father, his Grandpa Mel, lived. It was lovely place full of clouds, rainbows and lots of doughnuts. He threw himself on me and said "Oh, Mommy, I don't live in Heaven. I live here on earth with Baby Monkey, and Mama Bear and Papa Bear. I just want to love you. And kiss you." And so he did.

Sophia Highlight of the Day: She finally finished screaming so I could finish this blog in peace. (Oh, and when she saw me this morning, she lit up like a fire cracker and shrieked "Ma! Ma!" That makes 4 official words.)

PS: This is a nod out to the beautiful and talented Kate Dana who is on her way to being the best damn website builder in the world! (Let me know what site I can name drop for you, Kate. About 2 of my core audience in the middle of Montana at 3am would love to take a look, I'm sure!) Seriously, you are great.