Bracelets of the Heart

I once dated a guy who, to quote that dumb book, just wasn't "that into me." Um, you could say that literally, as well as physically, given our romantic encounters were less than passionate (gay schmay, he was sensitive!) On the outside, it was more clear than Jennifer Hudson's voice that this man was insecure and financially broke, but to me he was charming, childlike, sweet and simply confused. I suppose I should have realized that, while he remained under house arrest for driving away from the scene of an accident (not his fault...come on! he was drunk!) he didn't really love me when his excuse for not wanting me to come over was that he "was just too busy."

These memories all came flooding back thanks to the photo above, taken after an excursion to an indoor playground. (The idea with these tracking devices is that you and your toddlers wear the same colored bracelets with matching numbers, so when the $7.00 hour clerk is too busy to play security guard due to planning a blow job with Little Miss Muffin top at the juice box stand, another psycho can don the same bracelet and take off with your kids. I'm sure you all think of these things while pretending not to be bored in the ball pit and munching on overly stale pizza - that you found in the ball pit. (Hey don't knock it until you tried it. It's not bad. Okay kidding. Sort of.)

My point: How many times have we worn these same sort of bracelets? Here's my top 5. Can you think of any more?

1. My first concert - the Michael Jackson Victory Tour. Oooh, it was a thriller. It was my first date. I was 14. My date went on to be a lead dancer in the Disneyland Main Street parade and now lives with a boyfriend in Vegas. (Gay, schmay, so he likes sequence and has a roomate who flips his hair!)

2. When my rug rats were born. The best bracelets of my life.

3. When I went in for a DNC for my miscarriage a million years ago. I had a different name back then and a different life. My husband at that time (not Rex, that's another story) was super sweet about that whole thing. Looking back, although I was way too young for marriage, I regret that I didn't appreciate his kind heart more than I did. J, if you're reading this ever, you were a class act when so many others would have run. Thanks.

4. When I first went to a beer garden. I suppose I needed it to identify myself along with the other hung over Freshmen. Of course, it was last year and I was 36, but I always was a late bloomer.

5. When I stood in line to get tickets to Richard Marx. If you weren't moved to tears by the feathered mullet and the love songs, then you don't deserve to live.

In conclusion, I am grateful that I've never seen one of these on a dead body. I hope I never will. Though I'm sure some of you have. Let's hear about it. Or, if that's too morbid, how about some stories about your teen music crushes that you longed to be under house arrest with, have babies with, go to beer gardens with, and have DNCs with. (Okay, not that last part.)

PS: Mrs. V., if you dare make fun of me for this before I thrust my toddler in your arms tomorrow, I will release your identity to the world quicker than you can say, "I'm 36 and shaking my bootie at a Justin Timberlake concert!" Oh yeah, you're a laywer and Sunday school teacher who's "bringing sexy back.... da da da da da daaaaa...."