I don't know what it is about Christmas this year. Normally I'm as cheery as Santa on lithium, but this year, the Grinch has taken hold of my heart with both paws and is spitting onto my anatomically correct gingerbread men. Don't get me wrong, I'm fighting it. Pop on by and you'll see a house with halls decked and canes candied. I even got the tree at the very beginning of the month so that wafts of pine could find its way into my nostrils, reminding me of Xmases past.
And therein lies the rub.
The Xmases past had my dad there. And all my parents' friends, all gathered gaily around the table in my childhood home. And, quite babyish I admit, all I had to do was show up and enjoy it.
Now with two young ones running around, it's my job to create the memories. Always one to embrace work, no one is more suprised than me that I'm suddenly being hit with a yule tide of emotions. Although my dad died three years ago on Thanksgiving, it was hard to really embrace his passing. Stink was nine months old and Pip was on her way. But, as fate would have it, lucky me gets to be slammed with grief at the height of baking and shopping. Joy to the world!
My mom has been great. Rex took the day off today to just hang out and let me sleep. That helped. (No sleep in three years will do a number on ya, too.)
I'm trying to remember to pray. And count my blessings. And of course to see the gift within the yuk... that if I feel sort of despondent these days - questioning life and what it's all for - with all my blessings - imagine what others who have so much less than me are going through? As soon as I get my verve back, I'm volunteering my time doing something. Anything. Life is too short for such dramatics.
I'm putting my cards on the table that God has a plan for me. Stay tuned.