Lets Talk About Privates, Shall We?

As in school. Get your heads out of the gutter, people.

My kid is going to kindergarten next year. I'm not sure if I want to fxx him up by paying 8 grand a year and having him get beaten up by nuns, or paying nothing and having him beaten up by kids on the playground.

Am I being a bit dramatic? Moi? The writer whose brain can't just look at an owl without screaming Smart old man! Geriatric! Gerry's doing tricks? Who's Jerry? Tom and Jerry. I hated that show. That poor mouse. He was always getting so hurt. I hope my babies never get beaten over the head with a tire iron at school.

Which leads me back to my question: What are your thoughts on education? Private or public? I'd love to hear. All of the little voices in my OCD dramatic brain want to hear.

Kiss kiss.

* Image of Stink this past summer. That face. I love it so much I could squeeze it and smush it and gush it all gushy and squeeze his little tushy and... um... I'm thinking that won't help him remain target free from the bully's on the playground. So... I'm... starting to... detach.

Help?

Scratching the Surface

I'm tired of our livingroom furniture. I've had it since before I even knew Rex. And though a change would be nice, the tables and sitting pieces are in reasonable shape. Sure, there's a few scratches on the wood, and stains on the couches. And it's less elegant than I'd like. But compared to what others don't have, and a myriad of other updates our 1950's home needs, this should be the worst of my problems.

Adding to the slight irritation I feel whenever I enter my "formal sitting area", last week kicked my booty. Between work, school, rain, Stink's fifth birthday party, and random events I could have done without, I was done.

And so, when I found myself shopping with two cranky kids at Costco on Thursday - shutting my eyes at the delicious leather sectional and five hundred dollar book cases, I put down the turkey roll-ups I was going to serve at the party. Instead, I set a bouquet of pink and white carnations in their place. Not for my mom, or my girlfriends, or a surprise for my girly girl firecracker. For me.

When I got home, I put the food on the counter. It could wait. The first thing I did was cut the carnation stems down just right, watching them bunch happily in their vase as if to say, "It's raining! It's pouring! But look at us! Like a bucket of candy Valentine hearts!"

Three days later, they still pop out at me when I walk in that room. I like them so much, I forget to be irritated at the furniture. In fact, instead of disliking my livingroom, they seem to tie it all together. A lovely mixture of older time pieces with new life.

Isn't that true of all merry distractions? That sometimes, if you focus so long on the flaws, you forget the beauty of what you have? One little change can suddenly make everything not only bearable, but often times delightful.

I have made a committment to myself to buy flowers once/week. I can get them at Costco for $8.99 or $14.99, or even a local flower shop for less. The point is that I'm worth it. I'll post a photo each week for accountability.

How about you? Anything you are irritated about? Any way that you can focus on what's beautiful, as opposed to the scratches and stains in your life?

More of my writing can be found on Goodhousekeeping
& Babycenter. I write under the name Andrea Frazer. Drop me a note! I’d love it! Or don’t.

Kicking Some Ass

A true conversation between Stink and Rex tonight. I was folding towels, Rex was hugging him good night.

Stink: Papa, did you know that Ella at school doesn't like me anymore?

Papa: Really? What happened?

Stink: I don't know. She says I pushed her. (Pause) But I didn't. But that's okay. Because Mommy says girls are crazy sometimes.

Papa: What else did your mama say?

Stink: She said that one time she was mad at you and told you that she didn't like you much, but that you said she was silly.

Laughter from both.

Papa: Is that all you talked about?

Stink: No. She told me that even if girls don't like me, or sometimes my eyes do a little tic, that I'm still perfect. Because God made that way.

Rex: Well, you are perfect. Anything else she told you?

Stink: That I'm cute. (Pause) And I'm going to kick some ass.

Stayin' Alive

Hello, people. I am, unlike Heath Leger, alive. (Is that sad or what? Geez, the guy was only 28. I don't know the scoop, yet, but whatever it is, he left behind a little girl. That's just a bummer. My heart goes out to his family.)

Along those lines, I'm feeling sort of melancholic today. While I've been happier than I've been in a very long time, I can't help but notice how fast everything's moving.

Just this weekend, Pip had her nails and hair done for the first time. It was for a dress up party, and while I hesitated to let her participate due to her age, I'm glad I brought her. There was no make-up involved. Just a little glitter and a hairdo. She could have chosen a rock star or a fifties girl, but she chose to be made up as a princess. (Shocking, I know.)

While I found some of the store accessories over priced (The homage to High School Musical and Hannah Montana was enough to make me want to grow a mustache and never leave my home again) Pip's elation at her little transformation made all the candy coated pop girl music worth it.

You can look at these beauty stores (aimed at young girls) two ways: 1. We're pushing the Barbie mentality at way too young an age or

2. We're teaching them early that they are worth something. That it's not a crime to take care of themselves. As always, it's a fine line.

This brings me to the point of this post. My living, as of the late, has been thanks to the computer. I have met so many people, and had my writing exposed in a way that pre-internet days never would have been possible.

I can look up health concerns on the internet.

I can find recipes, directions, and phone numbers.

It's just... I get scared. I want my kids to know how to use a mouse, but I also want them to have the experience of holding a real one. I love that I have friends due to my blog (I really really do - thank you) but I also want to not forget the people that live next door to me. I love the fact that I can get to a new city thanks to Mapquest, but I fear my kids won't ever enjoy the experience of finding a new coffee shop on an off beaten path because they got lost.

Will no one ever get lost anymore? Will we all be so tuned in that, God forbid, we lose our internet connection, we have no way of being connected?

I'd like to think it's all about balance, but I still get wonky. Because there's no more playing out until dark. There's no more hiking in the hills for fun. There's no more walking to school and long days creating stories out of refridgerator boxes. And assuming I do give my kids a refridgerator box, is that one more day they're missing of learning something new on the computer that's going to high tail them into the next level? But what level? And what's the point, anyway, if they get to the next level but don't have their feet on level ground?

Am I making sense?

I think it's just the many hours of work lately kicking my butt. It's time for me to go walking, sweat, and get some perspective. Because right now, I've lost it.

And, to make myself a complete hypocrite, let me say that while I fear techonology taking away the finer things in life, I don't know where I'd be without it. It's really saved my sanity. Just a comment here and there from you, when I've been down but maybe not been as open as to what exactly is going on, has meant more to me than you know.

Signing off. Time to reboot my brain chip. I will write more tomorrow and check in on all of you. Miss you, love you, bla bla beeeeppppppppppppppppp.............................

More of my writing can be found on Goodhousekeeping
& Babycenter. I write under the name Andrea Frazer. Drop me a note! I’d love it! Or don’t.

Good Soul, Bad Shoes

I don't have many clothes. It's no one's fault but my own. I need to shop, and for some reason or another, I haven't found the time. This is going to change. In February I turn 38, and if I don't have at least 38 pieces in my closet that I adore, cherish, can't wait to wear, than stuff is going down more than that hooker on Hugh Grant. (Oh, shut up. That was funny.)

In addition to my lack of decent threads, I own the worst shoes ever. And, to add insult to injury, I saw a dog on the sidewalk yesterday who was wearing ruffled shorts and leather booties. No joke.

Only in L.A..


More of my writing can be found on Goodhousekeeping
& Babycenter. I write under the name Andrea Frazer. Drop me a note! I’d love it! Or don’t.

Its Up to You, New Dork, New... Dork....

I have always blamed my hubster for being the computer dork, but turns out it's me.

Rex has been in New York since Sunday. It was a good week for him to be gone, because instead of wandering upstairs with him at a reasonable hour to keep from crashing like Sonny Bono the next day, I crammed in overtime on the computer to get some posts done for my new job. Now that I'm up to date, I'll get to write them in a more reasonable fashion while the kids are in school.

Which leads me to the point of the post: Do you know that it's possible to spend your entire life living a virtual life? No - SERIOUSLY.

It took me 3 years, 2 days, and 1.7 minutes to come to that conclusion. Right now, with bloodshot eyes, I'm there.

And so, with no further ado, I'm making the following vow: No writing unless the kids are in school. No Ebaying unless the kids are in bed. No last minute checking the Pay Pal account or Union Bank. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to end up on the street if I'm .28 cents short one Tuesday.

Today I forced myself to just... step... away.

It was hard. The cel phone is still a distraction. And the email. But you know what? It was nice. I couldn't be as happy as I am without my daily does of internet connection - pun intended - but it felt nice to touch up some paint in my house (even if the color is off so now I have to redo the whole room...arrrrgggg) stick my feet in the park sand with Stink and Pip, and eat dinner at Mrs. V's.

I was such a good friend by telling Mrs. V I'll bring two things to help her out: 1. Cranky kids 2. Nothing.

I will be checking with your posts throughout the weekend, but I won't be writing until Monday. I'm thinking the world will live without the minute by minute update on why I should be exercizing, but the muffin top keeps getting fluffier and fluffier. And I can't understand who's sneaking into the house at night and shrinking my jeans!

* Note: I break all vows of silence if Pipsqueak wins the Regis and Kelly Most Beautiful Baby Contest. Yes, Mom, I sold out and pimped her out... errrr... submitted her tonight. It took over 20 minutes to upload because every other mother on the planet thinks her kid is the cutest child alive also and has no shame. Photo above.

Argument back to those of you who would never Britney Spears your child. A) I'm no Mommy Spears. B) I am a full believer in giving girls confidence from the inside (no troubles with Pip, believe me). The world is a competitive place. If Pip can get $125,000 for a college education, I'll take it. (Hell, I'd take a 1000 Walmart gift card, too. Even if I only got 10% as the "agent" fee, do you know how much Zoloft that could buy?)

Yes, I know the odds are against me, but luckily, my girl IS THE CUTEST! Next to yours, of course. So....

It's not to late for you! You can submit your baby at the link above! But if you win, I get a 20% referral fee. Hey, it's da biz, baby!

More of my writing can be found on Goodhousekeeping
& Babycenter. I write under the name Andrea Frazer. Drop me a note! I’d love it! Or don’t.

Toys R Bust

I am never going to feel shopper's guilt again.

I am not a big gift giver, and while I don't normally worry too much, the holidays got me this year. The Ele-uxx-em? Check. Crash and Go Racers? Check. Baby highchair set? Check. Gifts from family and friends including art supplies, Scooby balls, clothes, games... Check, check, Checky check check.

What do the kids do?

They fight.

They tease each other.

And then they are finally quiet for over an hour.

With what?

A three dollar snow shaver from the Salvation Army.

Go figure. After money spent on things they don't use? That's cold, man. But the fact that the simple pleasures in life are free? That's ice to know. Yes, you read that right. I'm friggin' tired. Good night! Speaking of ice, it's freezing here. Stay warm, wherever you are!

More of my writing can be found at Goodhousekeeping
and Babycenter. I write under the name Andrea Frazer. Drop me a line and say hello. Or don't.

Sex Secrets from a Dirty Housekeeper

So guess what? Rex is out of town and I'm friggin' more tired than my pancreas trying to process the huge tub of pistachio green icecream working its way through my intestines. My insulin is screaming, "Damn, girl, we're tired. Have you heard of water and a few slices of cheese. WE HATE YOU."

The other news: I'm in Good Housekeeping! Yeah for me! My little mug will be in the February issue of the actual magazine with a short bio pointing me to the online site (which started today).

The good news for Rex: I'm making some real money for a change!

The bad news for Rex: I'm talking about our sex life.

Actually, it's about our lack of sex life. Newsflash: Married people sometimes don't have as much sex as single people. If they do, it's not as exciting.

And, not to alienate my good Christian women following (because those of you who know who you are have really helped me along my little journey of faith - big kisses to you) even if you didn't have sex until your wedding night - after your bedtime prayers - with a Bible next to your bed - word on the street is that even you aren't holy rolling around the sack as much as you might have when you first got married.

The column is about why sex takes a back seat to everything else in marriage. It will challenge our expectations as women, and hopefully bring to light some very real issues many of us are facing. There's a place to comment, so feel free (sign-up takes less than a minute.)

Even if you love me, but you think I'm off base in my column (ex: You're having more sex than ever!) then by all means, let me know how. (But I don't believe you. And Christian or not, lying is a big fat NO NO.)

Right now I have two posts up and one bio.

I also included 4 sites that I read a lot, and one of them is our very own Liv and Pam.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Thank you for letting me be me. I'm excited to have a few new gigs now, but Pass the Zoloft is always my home.

Now go avoid sex by reading my column instead!

More of my writing can be found on Babycenter.com & Good Housekeeping. I write under the name Andrea Frazer. And I ramble. Deal with it.

I've Been in Dee-Nial Too Long

Everyone has this cousin or friend they can't live without. You know, the ones that make you laugh, know your favorite foods, can tease you about ex-boyfriends and remember your kids' birthdays.

Everyone also has those cousins or friends that sometimes they want to live without. The ones that know too much about you, such as the time certain foods in Tiajuana made you throw up more than Robert Downey Jr. on a bender. Or the love of your life that turned out gay. Or the time your prom date left you last minute for your best friend and you had to go to the dance with a Morman usher from your local movie theatre job that came up to your tits.

In my case, this person is both, and it's no other than Dee. Shalom, Dee! Yes, you're getting your tribute! Thank God for Dee. It's nice to talk to someone and tell a "Melvin" joke (my deceased dad). It's gratifying to know someone cares about you enough to really make you laugh (such as dumb books with our faces imprinted over celebrities) or piss you off. (In my case, she was banned from being in my first wedding for having the audacity... er... forward thinking to say, "You know, you don't haaaave to get married.")

Truth be told, Dee is above and beyond the best friend anyone could ever ask for. She's also irritating enough that she might have reminded me more than once that she's never been mentioned in my blog.

And people, she might know me, but I know her like the back of my Diet Coke can (In our case, another Melvinism, I know her better than my "dietetic soda".) Ex: I intentionally did not put up a photo, because this is what I'd hear:

"Oh my God, could you find a bigger picture of my ass?" or....

"Why did you put one from 'The Craig Years' up?" or...

"Wait a minute... is that the shot right before the DJ hit on me or when your drunk brother-in-law demanded the DJ play "White Wedding?" Wow, your second marriage did a lot of good for my ego. Remeber that guy Jim? What happened to him?

I instead will post this photo, a tribute to her never-ending ability to buy the perfect gift. Even if it's just a talking Scooby card that my son played Over. And over. And over. I could kill her for it, but I love her for making such a hit with him. And here's her response to that statement:

"Of course he loved it. Lord knows you wouldn't spend the 4 bucks on it. Someone has to. Dee Dee will buy his love!"

And let's not forget...

"Oh... Stink. Look how cute he is. But why is his shirt untucked? And why is his face so chapped? And go empty the trash! But seriously, Arfie (that's my name - no joke) you're such a good mom. Joy to the World! La Chaiem!"

Who's your Dee Dee? You know you have one.

More of my writing can be found on Babycenter.com. I write under the name Andrea Frazer and can be found here. Look for me at GoodHousekeeping.com in mid January.

The Magic of Five

Take a guess:

1. I lost the final 5 pounds

2. I haven't had a Diet Coke in 5 days

3. I had 5 Diet Cokes today

4. My kids fell asleep at 5, giving Rex and I 5 hours to ourselves

5. Rex finally got that reversal, making me pregnant on Xmas eve, and turning our family of 4 into a circle of 5

6. The Jackson 5 just shot a reunion tour video on our cull de sac. Michael only winked at 5 kids this time.

7. Lindsay Lohan dropped by a few minutes ago, giving new meaning to the word "high five"

8. I just won five thousand dollars in the "Who can eat the most Mothers Animal Cookies without puking more than 5 times" contest

9. I transistioned from Catholic to Muslim and now bow five times/day to Mecca

10. My New Year's baby turned 5 today

More of my writing can be found on Babycenter.com. I write under the name Andrea Frazer and can be found here. Look for me at GoodHousekeeping.com in mid January!