Saturday, February 02, 2008

Life in the Slow Lane

I'm a grandma driver. I admit it. If the speed limit is 55, I'm happy at 50. What's the rush? "Ooooh, let's hurry up so we stand in line some more at the grocery store. Then let's bump off a pedestrian so we can hit more traffic when we get stuck behind the train one mile up."

Rex says the line between "safe" and "rude" is pretty sketchy with me. "You're so pokey." If I hear one more time, "The light is green. That means GO" he's gonna get a STOP sign rammed up his nether regions faster than Bruce Jenner's top speed at the '76 Olympics. If you don't know who Bruce Jenner is, then you're way younger than me. Which means you're driving faster than me. Which means you will probably agree with Rex and the lovely couple I'm about to describe.

I was driving the kids to school a few days back, and apparently my destination was not as important as the people in the silver Honda Accord's destination. They rode my butt for a mile, then blared their horn. When I looked into my rearview mirror, I could see their tanned faces stretched to capacity in frustration. "MOOOOOOVE! What the hell!" they gesticulated - looking more like they were passing a tough dookie than driving.

I was grateful we were passing Kaiser, because one of them was about to have a stroke. They finally passed me and screamed, "Moron!". Then they gave me the bird.

* Note: Good Christian readership, turn away now. I'm about to go celebrity on the paparazzi here.

I hope those arrogant pricks run out of gas on the way to their ever so important jobs as CIO of Butt Wipes, Inc.. I hope the blond gets a tumor from the peroxide and that her nails get imbedded in the back of the pompous ass she's stupping. I hope they know that despite their tans, botox and clean shirts, they pass more as fake designer handbags than attractive twenty somethings. I hope they get crabs - and not the kind you eat for dinner.

* Note: Good Christen women, feel free to return to the post.

I did not give the bird back, but inwardly wished them a pleasant day. I hope you all have one also. As for me, it's going well, despite the fact that Pip has a fever. Papa took Stink to a party at Chuck E. Cheese while she and I walked to the local store.

Well, I walked. She got tucked in with a blanket and was pampered like an L.A. chihuahua. We picked up all the essentials to get through a bad cold: Coffee, cookies, jelly and five Gerber daisies. Wait, that was for me. For her, we got a baby bagel and some oj. She'll be better in no time.

I saw some friends on the way home. Hi Mama K, Homemaker D and all the adorable clan you care for! Hope you have fun and enjoy pissing off the road ragers as much as I do.

The End.

More of my writing can be found on Goodhousekeeping
& Babycenter. I write under the name Andrea Frazer. Drop me a note! I’d love it! Or don’t.


meno said...

I usually drive about 5 miles over the speed limit. If someone tailgates me for too long i will pull over and let them sweep the road ahead for cops.

amisare waswerebeen said...

I usually drive 5 miles over the limit. That's just where I'm comfortable at. So, between us, we're going the limit.

His Girl said...

oh, I apologize right now for all the times I have ever been behind you yelling... "come ooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnn- just goooooooooooooooooooooooooo! you think that your day is so important that you can keep my from mine???? get out of the waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

cause I do think you are cute and also very funny, even though your people (the SLOWPOKES) are throwin' off my groove.

His Girl said...

it's me... obsessive email checkergirl. i love that in my apology I had a total typo. I of course meant "me from mine?" I was also trying to highlight what a jerkdriver I am, not trying to chastise you or make you feel badly at all.

and you are totally right about the computer being affair fodder. i've been thinking about that a lot lately. thanks for the kick in the pants :)

Steph said...

I'm a bit of a leadfoot by times, but I'm never rude to slowpokes. At least not so they would notice. Usually. Ahem.

Anyhoo, wanted to tell you I tried to comment on your latest GH post (Macaroni and Cheese-y Flirting), but it didn't seem to stick. I thought it was really well written! Good one! Even though you have inspired me a bit, is it okay if I avoid my husband like the plague when he has, well, the plague (strep throat)? Or is that just a lame excuse? :)

Gretchen said...

Meno and I were separated at birth on this one.

I'm busy, Mama P, busy AND important. ;)

Note: I'm a Christian woman, but I don't know if there's any such thing as a "good Christian woman", so I read thru the entire post.

Have a pleasant day. xxxooogretchen

Em said...

You go right ahead and drive the way you want to drive. It is your car...your life. I support your right to drive your way.

But can I just go around you???

liv said...

a) everyone knows who bruce jenner is now. duh. he's on keeping up with the kardashians on E!

b) breathe: they are driving a honda accord, and carpooling while botoxed and fake tanned--a brilliant dichotomy of earth friendly and flat stupid.

c) "good christian women" LOL, oxymoronic at best.

Liza's Eyeview said...

Like meno and amisare, I usually drive 5 miles over the speed limit. For two lane roads (or it is called 4 lane?) as long as I stay and on the right lane (my kids call it the slowpoke lane) and let the "in a hurry" people drive fast on the left, I'm ok.

It gets tricky when it's one lane. So if there are some "lovely couple" behind me like the "lovely couple" you described, I pull over to the side, let them pass and then I pray that they get a speeding ticket.

Anywhoo... I love that photo of Pip. And I see you've got lovely flowers there too :)

PJ said...

You're younger than my older son, but I'll be in the passing lane!!! I will not, however, (Good CHristian woman that I am) flick the bird at you....But I might be MUTTERING (very Christian-like) willllyoujestgitamove on eitherdriveitorparkit willya? This spit out between my clenched lips which are formed in a tight smile!!! While my "li'l ole lady" glasses perch on the top of my head all innocent like!!!

(Not that I think my appointments are more important than yours...I must just schedule them closer together!!)

PJ said...

That statue of you is in University City or was it Universal Studios??? MO, CA, what's the dif?

I was in L.A. after Christmas. Everyone complained that it was so coooooooold at 30 degrees!!! We Chicagoans, of course, chortled. But truthfully, if it's 20 here with sunshine, it feels BETTER than L.A. at 30. Go figure!!

Thanks for droppin' by. (And my FAVORITE Christmas Song is "The Most Inconvenient Christmas" by the Oak Ridge Boys. Seriously Country. Seriously. :)

JaniceNW said...

Shtupping? You're a mensch! Hey I lived my first 10 years in Jersey. I drive 5 miles over or at the speed limit. I'm with you, what's the hurry? I have much fewer tensions headaches since I began driving that way.

Evenspor said...

I heard about a study done in Salt Lake where they discovered that driving 10 miles over the speed limit will get you to the other side of the valley approx. 2-3 seconds faster than if you went the speed limit, because we all end up getting stopped at the same lights and behind the same traffic jams. If people could remember to think about it that way, are those extra few seconds worth the extra risk?

Pam said...

I loved your tirade, Mama P. Someone running a stop sign almost collided with me and my grandchildren a few years back and I had to hold my tongue (to a moderate degree) because of my precious cargo. I let loose later, but didn't do nearly as good a job of it. What the HELL is wrong with those people?

I think the Gerber daisies will make Pip feel much better.

Ramblin' Red said... your tirade.

And I totally get your take on this, but someone sent me a prayer awhile back that gave me a little perspective. Perhaps they have more to the story than what meets the surface...

Also - I am a speedracer - but do not tailgate -

Finally...tag, you're it.

Toni Lea Andrews said...


In my Corolla, I'm a zippy urban driver. No agressive behavior, no particular speeding, but no lollygagging, either.

In my brother's Jeep, I'm an animal, ready to off-road at a moment's notice.

In my buddy's Jag, I'm a speed demon.

In my motor home, I'm that REALLY ANNOYING person going 10 miles below the speed limit and remaining totally unconcerned as you flip her off!

Hey, I GOTTA drive slow--do you know what the mileage is in a motorhome??!!

Terri said...

LOL! That's terrible, but I know EXACTLY what you mean!
I hated to drive around LA anyway.

So, are you glad the writer's strike is almost over, or are you doing o.k. with the magazine thing and don't care?

My oldest works at a Chuckee want he should get an autograph from the head rodent for stink?

Dapoppins said...

Oh you are funnY! Look kids, Mama P is learning how to fart rainbows...!

Susie Q said...

No one does a sweet tirade like you dear heart. : )
And today, my Good Housekeeping email said to stop by and check out their Andrea...hmm...I wonder if she has anything sexy on there.