Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Diets, Dye Its, Slowly Dying

The guilt over going non-processed, no refined sugar, and wheat free has finally forced me to crack. It's only Monday and tonight I was propelled into the abyss of the unthinkable: Driving at mad-cap speed to our local Target, instructing that my children pick out a toy from the dollar section only to emerge, breathless, with 30.00 worth of "rewards" for going along with the program.

My self-imposed "Elimination Diet" is akin to the Bourne Identity for Toddlers. Should my subjects choose to accept their mission, tics, hyperactivity and general focus mirroring a see-saw on crack might be eliminated.

Then again, given the general of this invasion (that would be me... are you with me, people?) has no idea about the territory she is invading, my subjects might just be eating gluten free, sugar free, tastes like the recycled tree paper used for Barack Obama's campaign signs (but hey, no chemicals) - for a big fat NADA.

Well, it's not for nothing. They'll have a new Dora toy and Hot Wheels racer to fight over while I'm jonesing for additives, having gone bust on organics and living with only a guilty conscious for shopping retail for items probably made in China and ultimately the real source of my family's allergies.

Woooheeeee! Who has some good recipes for me? If they look appetizing, I don't want 'em. Like my background as a tv writer, shiny photos shall only prove to be a set up for failure. I need reality, wrapped up in brown, mustard and phlegm green. I am Mama P, Earth Mama. I pee in recycled toilet paper and drink Hansens soda. Not necessarily in that order.

Kill me now.

But don't bury me.

Ground me up into compost so that I can grow organic marijuana for all those other poor bastards who are going broke figuring out exactly which item in this cornucopia of toxic crap our country is serving our kids in bright! and shiny! packaging is making them tic.


Princess in Galoshes said...

I have been trying to eat healthier for the pending wedding, to clear up my face, reduce bloat, just be healthier in general, etc. etc.

I broke last night and went to McDonalds for McNuggets.

I'm not even sorry.

Gretchen said...

Time to move to the Midwest and grow a garden.

Y'know...I'm of the opinion that we are so hypereducated that we take all the fun, not to mention transfats, out of life.

The one positive of this all natural diet? Wine is natural. It's naturally delicious.

If I run across any bland, sucky recipes I'll email them your way.

PS. Your kids are so lucky to have a mom who cares enough to pee in recycled toilet paper.

hamiam said...

(hugs) Mama P...

We're not on the elimination diet at our house, but we are tracking foods and LMNOB's daily behaviors. IT is exhausting, but as a result, I have been trying to do less processed, more natural and whole. Can't bring myself to no gluten yet.

liv said...

Hey girl, we can take this to email if you want, but just try not to let all of this make you crazy. For what it's worth, a good place for rice noodles is in lasagna. It's a great place to go gluten free.

Em said...

I'm all for healthy eating. We buy a lot of organic stuff, support local agriculture, try to reduce our meat intake. But you cut out all the stuff you are cutting out and you ask for good recipes? Isn't that an oxymoron? ;)

Susie Q said...

You are a hoot, even while suffering for your health. I have a feeling that you will be just fine and glorious and all will be well. But you will still be a total hoot. You always make me smile.


Pam said...

Because of my illness I have gone mostly organic, but it's hard to do it all. And sometimes you just gotta break free. However, I have found some very yummy things that are very very good, one being organic, black raspberry frozen yogurt. My next favorite dish that's all organic except for the chips, and they are all natural (well, it's better than food with words I can't pronounce on the label) is NACHOS, my all-time favorite munch.

James said...

I'm going with.....

"yellow #5, yellow #5, #5, #5"

or, in our case, Blue #1, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10....

Good luck in your search for tasty gluten-free food. I HIGHLY recommend nana's gluten-free cookies out of Petaluma or some place up north. I can get them at Wild Oats (which is Henry's in SD), but I've seen them at Whole Foods, too. oops, I mean, Whole Paycheck. (M's joke).

James said...

Oh, and, fight on!