Pass the Vegas

Lest any of you wondered if I fell off the face of the earth, the truth is, I needed this week to recover from Vegas.

Not everyone travels to the city of sin with their 86 year old grandmother-in-law, but let me say, it was worth it. I learned so much about myself and others during this trip (including Texas Lizzy, Texas Dottie and their wonderful family and friends.) A few of my insights are:

1. If Vegas were a person, it would need a prescription for Zoloft pronto. I've never seen more ups, more downs, and more in-betweens than this city of winning, losing, high lites and misery.

2. No one has drunk alcohol until Stella makes a martini in a smokey hotel room from vodka stored in her milk of magnesium vitamin bottle.

3. No one knows "flirt" until they see their grandmother kiss Blue Men, grab handle the models at Abercrombie and Fitch and corral a 19 year old to lift her up to the Fountain Di Trevi in Caesar's Palace.

4. Being away from your family makes you realize how much you miss them.

5. Seeing naked girls as a single person was one thing. Seeing them as a mother makes me sad. Every topless dancer was Pipsqueak. Every ad for sensual massage featuring young oiled men made me think of Stink. Innocence is so short. Which leads me back to #4.

6. There is officially such thing as too much stimulation. A billboard of Louie Anderson bigger than the state of Texas is enough to send even an Indian Guru into a fetal position, chanting senselessly for Diet Coke and Valium.

7. It's amazing how even in a town brimming with commercialism exquisite beauty can be found. Just check out the Wynn's flower garden or the Fall foliage at the Belliago. Vegas, like life, is all about the choices in what you want to walk away with. Beauty or destruction, boundaries or temptation. It's a fine line always.

8. Even when you think you can't build anything good out of nothing, you have Vegas as a model. A desert full of mobsters became the most successful enterprise of our times. Where else can you eat more than Delta Burke at a Chili Cook Off for less money than it takes to park at the beach in Malibu?

9. Everyone is hot in Vegas. If you can't get laid at the Excalibur, then you're either dead or not looking for it. I fall into the second category, but I did have a man outside the Flamingo shout "You are fiiiiiine, giiiirl." He was probably drunk, married and possibly paid to entice harried mommies into the casino to spend their grocery money on dollar slots, but that's not the point.

10. I am officially old, because unless I stay at a 500.00 room/hotel where I can lounge at the pool and eat pork all day, I don't care to go to Vegas any time soon. And with that criteria, I might as well go to Florida and shop at Walmart like every other middle aged woman in this country.

In conclusion, the best part of this trip was 3 fold: spending time with my rock star teenage grandma, seeing Liz and her family, and coming home to my babies who acted like brats for the rest of week as if to say "you left us, you are now going to pay for it." And gladly, I did.

Eat Pray Love

I'm almost done reading Eat Pray Love, a lively and humorous biography about a woman's journey for love and spirituality across Italy, India and Indonesia.

I've spoken to quite a few people about this book, from the agnostic to the atheist, and most of us are in wild agreement about this rare find. Gilbert is able to share with us her unpredictable path toward enlightenment without being pedantic or alienating. She's very honest, very open, and always real. I highly recommend it.

A big theme throughout the book is Yoga. While I can sit still about as easily as thirty year old groupies at an In Sync Reunion tour, I can see the benefit of this practice. Gilbert, like myself and so many of you, has a mind in constant motion. At one point, after forcing herself to sit still for over two hours, despite being bitten by mosquitoes and enduring itching and mass discomfort (also like an In Sync Reunion tour analogy) she was able to transcend the pain and find a place of rest. To just be.

Gilbert admits that she wouldn't do this sort of experiment again, but forcing herself to sitting still helped drive home the point that sometimes one needs quiet to dig deep. Silence is underrated and, when practiced consciously, can help us experience some universal truths that are often missed when we gab and joke our way through life. (I don't know anyone like that.) As her guru told her, you can't find your reflection in running rivers. You can only find it in still water.

I don't know about ya'll, but I could barely sit still at the car wash for the less than 20 minutes it took to read that chapter, let alone sit cross legged in my backyard for 3 hours praying I don't die of the West Nile virus while I transcend my children turning my best linen into a tee pee island dubbed Fort Bean Fart. But I can attempt to find some stillness in my life.

To listen to my children's needs above my own.

To quietly hold Rex's hand at the end of the day when he needs to vent about work.

To silently wash the dishes and contemplate my blessings.

To deep breathe the hum of the crickets at sun down.

Yes, I'm going to be a six-one guru of serenity. People from all over the world, or at least my cull de sac, will flock to bathe in the aura of my Yuban Coffee... err... new found enlightenment. They will refer to me as the Dahli Mama.

There is no time like the present to begin this journey of transformation, but alas, I will start on Monday, for tomorrow I will be road tripping with Stella to the Anti-India.

If I don't make it back alive, I hope I'm reincarnated as a dove.

Or a golden retriever.

Or a Diet Coke.

Whatever works.

Linky Lovey Dovey

Thanks to this kick butt Maui goddess I now know how to link. Thanks to this red headed spice mama I will soon know how to blog roll. Add in my favorite cape and tight artists, spiritual atheists and ex husbands and you'll have enough reading material befitting a princess.

While I'm hardly on the verge of one-time-Morman-richer-than-JohnSmith-Blogging-Mommy-fame, I can now point you to every rabbit loving, daddy of four , homeschooling Christian and Yoga Southern Belle parent this side of the web.

I can't forget http://onetallmomma.blogspot.com/ or my favorite You Tube Fanatic. While some of you are busy raising three girls or simply being supportive and funny as heck , all of you have kept my writing fires alive.

If I've forgotten any of you, rest assured, you will be added to my blog role quicker than I can make fun of any celebrity that ever graces the web pages of this newsworthy site.

Got Change?

Tonight, on our way home from a last minute dinner, I noticed that an old hair salon had been transformed to an insurance agency. My immediate reaction was sadness.

It's odd, because I'd only been to that beauty shop a number of times. But that wasn't the point. It was familiar. I knew, when I was rushing around my familar town doing errands, I could look at its logo and remind myself I was due for a pedicure, knowing full well I wouldn't be in there for the next ten years. But when that ten years came around, damnit, I knew exactly where their parking lot, where the back door was, and just how many windows faced south!

And of course, it's never just the place I miss. I start to replace the hair salon with friends who might move, family members that might pass, my children that will inevitably leave my household as empty as the once booming style spa.

I tell myself the old adage that nothing is constant but change. But then change leads me to think of pennies and nickels. Which leads me to think of homeless people bumming for change. Which leads me to think about stock markets crashing and job cuts and what if my family were put out on the street and had to stand on street corners begging for change as the light changed.

I know I must change my thinking, but I think I'll just change my clothes and sleep. While I'm dozing, my body will go on, changing and reproducing cells, causing me to age slowly but surely. Holy cow - one day my face will change!

Man, I really need to change my attitude. But I won't. I'll just keep busy and drink Diet Coke and try not to get stuck on the small things of life until, one day, I drive past the Ebay Store and see it's been transformed into a chicken n' waffle joint and I have a panic attack all over again.

I guess some things never change.

Mmm... Messes... Good

It seems the more my kids enjoy the food, the more it ends up on the floor.

I was thinking about this tonight as I pulled out the 'ol broom for the umteemth time that day. It really does seem that in order to fully enjoy something, one must not be afraid to dive right in. This might mean breakage, spillage and the occasional kick in the lower intestine, but isn't it worth it?

May all of you have a wonderful Sunday. Go ahead. Break some of that shell that's keeping you from feeling passionate. Want to ride a Harley? Go to mass? Take a hike? Cut your hair? Grow your hair? Try a new perfume? Or something super dooper nutty, like shop retail? Get crazy. It'll make for some fun stories when you're old.

(And they also make for fun stories now, so don't forget to let me know!)

PS: Fellow blogger, Gretchen, bestowed a smile award on me today. She says, "I'd like to honor Mama P. @ Pass the Zoloft. Her irreverent humor causes milk, diet coke, or wine (whatever my poision d'jour) to spurt out of my nostrils and gives me a much needed laugh nearly every day. I'm either laughing because i can so totally relate to her, or because she's a magnificent writer. Or, usually, both."

Ahhh, Gretchen! Was that such an unnecessary compliment?

DUH! I'll take it.

Thanks for looking beyond the mess and enjoying the spicy crazy taco that makes up moi. I love ya for it.

Lovely Gretchen can be found pulling out her hair while her husband is in China and she's homeschooling handsome History Boy but secretly plotting to get drunk on Two Buck Chuck at http://gretchen-quantumleap.blogspot.com/

I took creative license with the last statement about Gretchen. But she's a Christian, so not only will she forgive me, but she'll stand by me. The truth must be told.

Um... yeah... blog roll list. How many times have I typed that? About as many times as I've cleaned up that damn floor. Gotta do something about that.

Under a Bad Spell...Check

How lovely that so many of you commented on my last post in the positive, but no one pointed out that I can't spell. Apparently "Hipocrite" is spelled with a "y", unless you're doing the urban form.

Um.

Which I was.

It was on purpose.

Yeah.

Just like I spilled almost a whole gallon of expensive milk on purpose.

Or dropped a glass all over the floor.

Or forgot to be on time to my son's parents teacher conference on Monday.

Or haven't paid my Visa bill yet this month.

Or have drank too many Diet Cokes this week.

All on purpose.

I have a purposeful driven life. And that makes me very happy.

How about you?

Ten Reasons I'm a Hipocrite

1. I'll do anything to get in better shape. Except diet and exercise.

2. I have been talking about free time forever. But now that the kids are in school, I sometimes miss them more than Lindsay Lohan pines for a working liver.

3. I write in one post that it's not cool to make fun of people with disabilities, but then I take pop shots at celebrities. I mean, if Angelina Jolie wants to have a fifth child, let her. Of course, she's so busy saving the nation and starving herself, I wonder how she manages to fit Brad Pitt in to get pregnant in the first place. (Here we go again. Bad Mama P!)

4. I have wanted to get back to work forever. I swore that I wouldn't be one of those moms who felt guilt. But now that things are starting to roll for me, I am worrying that I'm the reason for the behavior issues I'm dealing with this week. Which is dumb. Because I haven't started work yet. But perhaps the kids sense it and are intentionally not sleeping to make me feel crappy. Hypocrite AND neurotic. Ain't that fun?

5. I tell my kids they must eat healthy to grow strong. Then I order a jumbo Diet Coke and downsize enough Almond cookies to feed a small nation. Or Delta Burke.

6. Sometimes, to save $1.25, I'll re-use the same cup from McDonalds that I got the week before, telling myself that I'm really saving the environment by reusing the plastic. Not only am I hipcrite for stealing, but I get double hipcrite points for the non-healthy eating again.

7. I often tell Rex that we don't spend enough time together, and the time we do spend together is the time I use to tell him that we don't spend enough time together. And the time we could spend together is the time I spend typing.

8. I worry that I shouldn't put photos of my kids up on the internet for fear of stalkers and perverts. But my pride gets in the way since I'm so friggin' in love with them so HERE THEY ARE!!!! Hey, perverts, you don't want them. All they do is talk about farting and pooping these days! (Sorry, Mom. You hate talk of poop. I say I'll stop, but do it anyway. HIPOCRITE!)

9. I teach Sunday school during the Fall to give my kids a sense of spirituality, but we haven't been to church all summer. My favorite curse word is Jesus Christ, followed closely by a God Damnit, followed again by FRACK! Any Battlestar fans out there will get that last curse. Which reminds me, I live in the self-proclaimed "I hate Sci Fi" camp. But when I watch Battlestar, it's like footage from Liza Minella's fourth marriage to David Gest: Hideous, and yet, I can't stop looking.

10. I have been going on and on about going organic around here. Which is why on Friday I lost my mind and bought two Happy Meals followed by a big ass slice of home made lemon cake.

I'm going to bed now. Right after I put it off by drinking a cup of coffee and eating something horrific, putting the final nail in tonight's hipocrite coffin.

Night night.

Mommy's First Steps

There were tons of firsts today.

1. Pipsqueak was an official student at preschool. She marched right in, stuck her "it's a Barbie... it's a BARBIE...my MOMMY gave it to me" lunchbox on a hook, plopped down with some blocks and never looked back at me. I know that secretly, beneath her kitty cat tee shirt, bell bottom flared leopard jeans and patin leather leopard mary janes, that she really missed me (while planning her fashion empire).

2. Stink went to bed without his usual negotiations of stories, songs and his favorite "who gave me that" game. Also known as the "let's stall and make Mama crazy even though I know the answer already" charade. Sometimes it's "Who gave me the star blanket" or "who gave me the Snoopy pillow?" My favorite thus far is "Who gave me that dust on top of the fan that you haven't cleaned yet, Mommy?"

3. I had 4 hours to myself. Alone. In the house.

I had to pinch myself to be sure it was really happening. At some point I stumbled to my SUV and headed south. I was convinced an alien had taken over my body and landed me in a foreign planet full of dusty, yet welcoming, landscape.

Then I realized I was in a thrift store.

And I'd scored this beautiful table and chairs for 25.00.

Then I knew it was me!

I had a nostalgic moment when I realized I usually have the kids jumping up and down on the plaid shaped sectionals or hiding under rounders threatening to get tetunus from a 1960's step stool haphazardly thrusting a nail at them, beckoning, "Suck me, child! Ingest into thy veins my rusty goodness!"

Predictably, however, realization tears soon fell. My babies are no longer babies. They pee on their own. They wash their own hands. They wear size 9 and 12 shoe. They tell me they love me and fall asleep looking like little angels.

Then I had a huge mug of Diet Coke. I didn't have to chop up the remaining ice for tiny mouths and visualize scenes of choking, the whole time thinking "what will I do if their airways get blocked because, really, I haven't had a real CPR class since I was 12 so I'm thinking that my emergency babysitting license is expired".

Bottom line: I got buzzed on caffeine and watched CMT. Heeee haaaw!

Congrats to everyone who made it through the first day. That includes you homeschoolers out there! Stories, please!

Uncle "anything to make a" Buck

I had an interesting Ebay experience today. On looking up "Tourettes", I found a few shirts like the one you see above.

I suppose it's funny in its own way, and Lord knows I make jokes all the time, but making fun of people with disabilites? That's where I draw the line.

So I wrote the person. I told them their stickers suck. And then I told them that, and I quote you, "Less than 15% of Tourettes sufferers curse like that. That particular condition is called Corporlalia. Educate yourself. But most of all, go and make money. That’s way more important than leaving something decent in the world, isn’t it?"

Here's what they had to say back.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I think you should be focusing on helping your child adjust rather than focusing on sending me emails!

How about you contact all the people who tell blonde jokes ~ arent they offensive to half the population! People with blonde hair cant help it ~ they are the butt of jokes constantly ~ go save them.

I have a child with autism ~ please dont presume to know me or understand who I am or my family situation or the people I know! My son who is nearly 15 is quite well adjusted to his ability & is able to laugh at himself ~ we could ALL learn from that! Everyone has a disability of some description ~ & we all need to understand who we are & what is important. If you are able to laugh at yourself first ~ it makes life so much easier ~ I know this from experience. so please take care of your child & stop trying to protect him from a world that s/he is going to have to live in ~ the more you wrap him/her in cotton wool the less prepared s/he will be & the less able to cope with the world.

You've had your say ~ now move on

----------------------------------------------------------------

So what did I do? Leave it alone? Ummmm.... no.

I wrote them a thank you note.

I told them that I now have two national columns online (more to come on this later) and that if they wanted to have an interesting dialogue where millions of people could read it, then I could get the word out on what Tourettes really is, and they could get some cash for their stupid tee shirts.

That just might rock their world. Damnfuckin'shitassteeshirtidiots.

How's that for Tourettes?

PS: Who uses the word "cotton wool"? That just sounds hot. And sticky. I might like this person better if they told me not to wrap my child in 100% cotton.

US Magazine

I picked up a copy of US magazine today. I figure I'm worth 1.99, and though I hate to admit it, I just love seeing what's going on with celebrities. After a terribly hot week with disappointing yard sale profits, balancing school shopping with some writing work I got, worrying about healthy meals and doctor appointments... scheduling babysitting trades and playdates and post office runs but making sure we only do one of these things a day to not overdue it and bla bla bla... it's just fun to read something mindless.

But here's what I want to know.

Is Brad and Jen checking in on Meno's bed and breakfast trip and wondering if she's doing okay with her impending empty nest?

Is Owen Wilson recovering by seeing the beautiful life reflected in Grace over at Suzie Q's place?

Is Hillary Clinton taking a break from her busy touring schedule to see if James', Ham's, Liv's kids and Gretchen's kids had a good first day of school in the education system she's trying to reform?

The answer is no.

Which is why I'm so glad I'm not famous. I love each and every one of you, mentioned and not.

But... just in case Orlando Bloom is reading this (who I just fell in love with last night after watching 45 minutes of Troy... Brad Pitt? Um, no.) here is my little mark on the world, taken this morning on the way to Papa's work to "feed da fish!"

Happy Labor Day, peeps. Now get off the computer and go make some memories! I plan to anyway. (That, and figure out how to blog roll and insert links once and for all. Ham sent me the info, now I have to actually read it.)

Mmmmm... Eda-Mommy

This week, in addition to organic eating, we've done the no sugar, no wheat deal. The verdict is still in on its affects on toddlers, but lets just say I'm keeping a food log longer than a line around Barnes N' Noble for JK Rowlings highly anticipated Harry Potter 14 - Gryffindor and the Penis of Fire: Hogwart's gotten boring, Harry's gone whoring.

As a mom, I take solace that I'm doing everything in my power to keep my kids healthy and find out what makes them tic - literally. It's a slow process of wait and see, but hopefully we'll get some results.

It goes without saying that our processed, food dyed, hurry hurry hurry supersized go Go GOOOO! environment can't be good for the human condition - especially for the growing bodies of children. But when you add a sensitive rug rat like Stink into the mix, the point is driven home even harder.

Slow.

Down.

So we are.

Today was about the yard sale. Rex put up the tent last night and got me buzzed on bad two buck Chuck, making my 5am wake-up oooooh so pleasant. I survived though. For most of the morning I kicked it in an old fold up chair and cleaned out my garage. When even Ebayer Mama P can't handle storing the vintage Strawberry Shortcake wrist watches any longer, it's time to clean house. But the Justin Timberlake "In Sync in Japan" fro tee? That's staying. Either it's being sold on Ebay for 12.99 or I'll save it for Mrs. V's son for 4th Grade's "Free Dress Day." I know he'll appreciate it.

I don't know about you peeps, but today it was a sweltering 110 degrees. Lucky for the kids they spent most of the day in their underwear inside the house. Lucky for the flies, the kids still managed to leave the doors open for them. I'm currently typing and screaming "Die winged bug of evil, DIE!"

Tonight after stories I sang my "Song of Music" medley. I figure if Stink isn't going to be athletic (and who really knows at this point) he'll never get his ass kicked if he can hit that high note in "Climb Every Mountain" or tell some punk ass kid that white flowers are really "Adel Veis".

When the song was over, he looked at me with doe eyes and asked, "Mama, why did the kids’ mom die?"

Me: "She was sick." (Then, sensing his distress) "But don't worry. I'm healthy as a horse."

Stink: (Smiling) "And I'm healthy as a unicorn!"

Later, after yelling at both kids to settle down for the night (for the tenth time) I tried my guilt tactic, "Wow, with all this running around you're doing while I'm downstairs, you must think I'm stupid." Stink responded, "Oh, no, Mommy. You are so very loveable."

At that, my heart melted. I gave him a huge kiss and a hug. I thanked him for eating edamame for breakfast. For smiling over gluten free waffles with squeezed watermelon juice for syrup. For not batting an eye at blueberry bars with filling rivaling Preparation H.

Then I told him to get his ass to sleep.

* Photo: Breakfast at the Mama P household. They say the early bird gets the worm. In our case, the early bird gets the runs. Mmmmm, healthy goodness!