Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Ten Reasons I'm a Hipocrite

1. I'll do anything to get in better shape. Except diet and exercise.

2. I have been talking about free time forever. But now that the kids are in school, I sometimes miss them more than Lindsay Lohan pines for a working liver.

3. I write in one post that it's not cool to make fun of people with disabilities, but then I take pop shots at celebrities. I mean, if Angelina Jolie wants to have a fifth child, let her. Of course, she's so busy saving the nation and starving herself, I wonder how she manages to fit Brad Pitt in to get pregnant in the first place. (Here we go again. Bad Mama P!)

4. I have wanted to get back to work forever. I swore that I wouldn't be one of those moms who felt guilt. But now that things are starting to roll for me, I am worrying that I'm the reason for the behavior issues I'm dealing with this week. Which is dumb. Because I haven't started work yet. But perhaps the kids sense it and are intentionally not sleeping to make me feel crappy. Hypocrite AND neurotic. Ain't that fun?

5. I tell my kids they must eat healthy to grow strong. Then I order a jumbo Diet Coke and downsize enough Almond cookies to feed a small nation. Or Delta Burke.

6. Sometimes, to save $1.25, I'll re-use the same cup from McDonalds that I got the week before, telling myself that I'm really saving the environment by reusing the plastic. Not only am I hipcrite for stealing, but I get double hipcrite points for the non-healthy eating again.

7. I often tell Rex that we don't spend enough time together, and the time we do spend together is the time I use to tell him that we don't spend enough time together. And the time we could spend together is the time I spend typing.

8. I worry that I shouldn't put photos of my kids up on the internet for fear of stalkers and perverts. But my pride gets in the way since I'm so friggin' in love with them so HERE THEY ARE!!!! Hey, perverts, you don't want them. All they do is talk about farting and pooping these days! (Sorry, Mom. You hate talk of poop. I say I'll stop, but do it anyway. HIPOCRITE!)

9. I teach Sunday school during the Fall to give my kids a sense of spirituality, but we haven't been to church all summer. My favorite curse word is Jesus Christ, followed closely by a God Damnit, followed again by FRACK! Any Battlestar fans out there will get that last curse. Which reminds me, I live in the self-proclaimed "I hate Sci Fi" camp. But when I watch Battlestar, it's like footage from Liza Minella's fourth marriage to David Gest: Hideous, and yet, I can't stop looking.

10. I have been going on and on about going organic around here. Which is why on Friday I lost my mind and bought two Happy Meals followed by a big ass slice of home made lemon cake.

I'm going to bed now. Right after I put it off by drinking a cup of coffee and eating something horrific, putting the final nail in tonight's hipocrite coffin.

Night night.


Gretchen said...

Hello...My name is gretchen, and I'm a hypocrite.

Pam said...

Mama P, I loved this! We're all taking a good look at ourselves along with you and laughing merrily at the humor of it all.

liv said...

Oh, you sound so like me! And that sounds like a good thing to me! (I'm not alone. People! I am not alone!)

Em said...

I think this is a perfect list. Ten reasons why I like you even more! We all do these things...and secretly, we know we aren't gonna change some of them!

Now Biggie Size that order and I'll worry about my pants size another day!

amisare waswerebeen said...

Caffeine and junk food before bed....a woman after my own heart.

Liza's Eyeview said...

Well, this post will probably wash away your hiprocisy (is hipocrisy a word, or did I get the spelling right?)

In a way we all are. I too is a hypocrite in many ways. All we can do is strive to improve to be "less hypocrite". With God's help we can. I know... here I am again with my "God thing". But really, it's hard to do something substantial without Him.

Anyway, great post. I really enjoyed it.

Princess in Galoshes said...

Ha ha. :-) It's funny, because it's true.

I am also struggling with the organic/green issue. I get all pissy with SUVs and The Funasaurus leaving the fridge door open while he takes his sweet time deciding what to have... but I still get the plastic bags at the grocery store because I haven't found a better kitty litter recepticle.

JaniceNW said...

gosh, has hipocrite always had just one P? Crud, I've been mispelling it for like 30 years! The angst of it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dapoppins said...

Mama P...I love you.

sari said...

There's nothing like trying to eat healthy that a good Big Mac can't cure!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

James said...

But, you HATE sci-Fi. Or used to. I think my fav curse word is easy to guess, but I love to throw a curveball in there every once in awhile whilst we're driving to school. Some jackhole ahead of us, and I shout "Mary Tyler Moore move your ass!"

And, I'm a hippocrite too. I said I'd NEVER drink coffee or like The Smiths and I can't get enough of either....

BTW, thanks for the shirts. A Big hit.