Sunday, September 30, 2007

Pass the Vegas

Lest any of you wondered if I fell off the face of the earth, the truth is, I needed this week to recover from Vegas.

Not everyone travels to the city of sin with their 86 year old grandmother-in-law, but let me say, it was worth it. I learned so much about myself and others during this trip (including Texas Lizzy, Texas Dottie and their wonderful family and friends.) A few of my insights are:

1. If Vegas were a person, it would need a prescription for Zoloft pronto. I've never seen more ups, more downs, and more in-betweens than this city of winning, losing, high lites and misery.

2. No one has drunk alcohol until Stella makes a martini in a smokey hotel room from vodka stored in her milk of magnesium vitamin bottle.

3. No one knows "flirt" until they see their grandmother kiss Blue Men, grab handle the models at Abercrombie and Fitch and corral a 19 year old to lift her up to the Fountain Di Trevi in Caesar's Palace.

4. Being away from your family makes you realize how much you miss them.

5. Seeing naked girls as a single person was one thing. Seeing them as a mother makes me sad. Every topless dancer was Pipsqueak. Every ad for sensual massage featuring young oiled men made me think of Stink. Innocence is so short. Which leads me back to #4.

6. There is officially such thing as too much stimulation. A billboard of Louie Anderson bigger than the state of Texas is enough to send even an Indian Guru into a fetal position, chanting senselessly for Diet Coke and Valium.

7. It's amazing how even in a town brimming with commercialism exquisite beauty can be found. Just check out the Wynn's flower garden or the Fall foliage at the Belliago. Vegas, like life, is all about the choices in what you want to walk away with. Beauty or destruction, boundaries or temptation. It's a fine line always.

8. Even when you think you can't build anything good out of nothing, you have Vegas as a model. A desert full of mobsters became the most successful enterprise of our times. Where else can you eat more than Delta Burke at a Chili Cook Off for less money than it takes to park at the beach in Malibu?

9. Everyone is hot in Vegas. If you can't get laid at the Excalibur, then you're either dead or not looking for it. I fall into the second category, but I did have a man outside the Flamingo shout "You are fiiiiiine, giiiirl." He was probably drunk, married and possibly paid to entice harried mommies into the casino to spend their grocery money on dollar slots, but that's not the point.

10. I am officially old, because unless I stay at a 500.00 room/hotel where I can lounge at the pool and eat pork all day, I don't care to go to Vegas any time soon. And with that criteria, I might as well go to Florida and shop at Walmart like every other middle aged woman in this country.

In conclusion, the best part of this trip was 3 fold: spending time with my rock star teenage grandma, seeing Liz and her family, and coming home to my babies who acted like brats for the rest of week as if to say "you left us, you are now going to pay for it." And gladly, I did.


JaniceNW said...

I wish I had a grandma like that! You and I are in agreement about Vegas. I don't drink, gamble or sleep around so why go? (wink) Thanks for sharing about your grandma, that was really awesome!

Susie Q said...

What a wow of a trip! I have never been to Vegas but if I ever DO go, I wanna go with your GIL! SHE is 86??? OMG. I wish I looked THAT great at 21! Now I am officially depressed!!

And I must agree with #5...I would have been thinking about Gracie and what makes a young woman want to do that. Not that anyone asked ME to do that, ever but still...

Glad you are back home with your family...give 'em all hugs for me okay?


meno said...

I want to be Stella!

Las Vegas is way too much for me. Too much noise, confusion, colors.

I am old too.

hamiam said...

Ditto, ditto, ditto...

Good to have you back :)

liv said...

I'm officially depressed. Even what I perceive to be a hysterically funny post isn't doing it for me. Pass. Yes, please.

Gretchen said...

I love #7 best of all. Very exquisite and poignant. Welcome home. At least Pip and Stink aren't poodles. They'd be peeing all over your bed in protest. Trust me. I know this to be true.

Anonymous said...

One of your best blogs yet! VIVA STELLA and MAMA P in VEGAS! xoxo KD in Cap City