Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Unhappy Birth Day

I try not be a bitch.

I fancy myself a Christian.

I consider myself open minded.

That all said, here's my top thoughts about people who post water birth photos on the internet:

1. If you're going to have a baby in your living room, can you at least take out all the filing cabinets and fold the laundry?

2. If your husband MUST get in the tub with you, can he at wear something besides Dolphin shorts?

3. Is it me, or does this mother look no older than a fifth grader?

4. Speaking of, is that really a woman, or is it the understudy for Peter Pan?

5 Does anyone care that the drapes and the carpet don't match? When you add placenta, the shit is going to hit the fan.

6. Does the midwife have to look like the head teacher from Crochet 101?

7. If you're going broadcast your va-jay-jay to every freak on the planet (nudity photos spared) can you at least tidy up down south? Oh wait, Mom needs to prove to us that she is, indeed, at least 13.

I don't care what anyone says about Kaiser. It was clean, I had an epidural, I got to wear a clean gown, and Rex knew his place: at the side of the bed, ready to get a Diet Coke for me at a moment's notice.

Did anyone have a water birth at home? And if so, did you at least vacuum first? I'd like to know.


Anonymous said...

I don't see a vagina here, do you? And where did you get these pics??? Sally B.

Pam said...

What I want to know is, what do they do if serious complications occur? Three of my five grandchildren ran into difficulties on their way into the world and they had to be delivered cesarean, and Sara's cord was wrapped around her neck. She ended up needing some kind of shot in her umbilical cord to pink her up.

The birthing at home thing is nice in theory, but midwives have their limits.

Call me old fashioned, but NO, I do not want to see all the personal details.

She doesn't even look fifteen to me, but the older I get, the younger they look.

Melessa said...

That was the MOM?!! I thought it was a shot of the new older sibling. No water birth here, though we got a jacuzzi tub not long before I had my third child and the first time I used it I swore I wasn't getting out of it until I went into labor. That's about as "natural" as it gets here.

Liza's Eyeview said...

See if this instructions for you you. If not I'll find another one:

Gretchen said...

Okay, you are so funny! Terribly naughty, but funny.

hamiam said...


Uhm, let me just say, "Agreed," on all points.

I had great medical staff at my local hospital, and both births were complicated (preeclampsia for dd and premature/no progress for ds) - so, no, no homebirth for me.

onetallmomma said...

Hi Hon,

I was all set to have a home birth with my third. Yes, I am one of those wackos. And to Pam, we lived within 15 minutes of our local hospital so if complications arose I was very close to help. Also, the mortality and morbidity rates for home births in the US is much less then hospital births. But the mother must be low risk to qualify for a home birth.

I never got to have the boy at home because he was 4 weeks late and I crawled to the local hospital and begged them to start a pitocin drip. Begged on my knees.

But my sister had her 2nd in her kitchen in a tub. None of the pics are on the Internet and she always folds her laundry straight away. Unlike her older sis.

Mama P said...

Anonymous - No vagina here. I can't find the link. I will look for it and post later if I can locate it.

Pam - I'm only 37, and moms get younger to me every day, too. Hey, I started the pitch. I'll have it done by the weekend and email it to you.

Melessa - Your jacuzzi idea sounds heavenly. It's what Rex and I long to have in our bathroom one day.

Liza - I will try the instructions. Thanks.

Grethen - naugthy and funny is what got me down the aisle.

Ham - Yikes. Your births sound scarier than the tub photos. Glad all turned out okay in the long run.

One Tall Momma - I don't think that tub birth people are scary at all. What I find scary is a lack of style combined with a tub birth combined with bad spelling and crotch shots.

meno said...

That is seriously the mom? I thought it was the 8 year old older brother. I did.

Thank you for sparing us the crotch shots. :)

You may be a bitch, but you are a funny bitch.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

And I quote..."When you add placenta, the shit is going to hit the fan"....too hilarious!!

I could have never done a home birth or water birth. I was one of those "PLEASE PLEASE EPIDURAL PLEASE" wimps.

I clicked over from Liza's blog. :)

Anonymous said...

OMG I am right with Meno- I thought that was the 8 y.o. brother. My friend AT had her lovely boy at home and it went off without a hitch. No crochet 101 teacher or any strangeness. Where did you originally see these photos?

still not having any