Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Lost in Love

It's hard to believe that this particular Ebay listing of mine did not sell. What is wrong with people out there! Do they not know what a deal they were passing up?

"Forget psychic readings, paranormal hotlines, love gurus...Before you O.D. on Fukitol, consider getting some straight talking advice from a no-nonsense mom.

Yes, dear, you're thinking "Why spend the money?" Let me tell you:

* I don't know you, so I'm not afraid to tell it like it is.

* I am a real life mom who has had many years of experience in marriage, dating, kids, divorce, career, house and alcohol (actually, I'm a lousy drunk, but I know lots of drunks. And some addicts who are now sober. I'm pretty unhip, but cool enough to give you advice. Come on, I'm a mom... how "out there" do you think I really am?)

* It's cheaper than therapy, less addicting than Prozac, and think about it... for $5 bucks, what do you have to lose? Other than some stupid decision I could guide you away from and possibly getting some sense pounded into you.

I'm not as mean as Doctor Laura, but I'm not as wussy as Carol Brady. I'm kind of a Carolyn Ingalls meets Simon Cowell. How can you go wrong?

This could also be a great gift for a friend who is going through a rough time. For this kind of person, I would send you a certificate and then they could email me directly.

The way it works: You send me a question via email, I send you back my answer within 3 days, 200 words minimum. If this is for a friend, I will mail you a certificate that you can present to them. You will need to add an additional $1.50 onto your ebay fee for shipping and paper. (I'm a mom, so every dollar counts. What did you expect?)

NOTE: This is a general advice column. Serious issues regarding sexual abuse, violence or where to get a good cup of coffee should be directed to other more experienced parties.

Think of me as your internet mommy.

One question.

Five bucks.

I could save you from that dumb ass you you've been obsessing about or get you hitched quicker than you can say "Katie Holmes is Doomed!"
I'd write more, but since my kids are sleeping, I have toilets to clean, bills to pay, pies to bake and more ebaying to do.

Be Safe and Hope to Hear From You Soon!"

My hard earned knowledge was spit upon, yet my used/stained Star and Moon trash can sold for $17.50. Like men, I just can't figure Ebay out.

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