Secret Aaaagent Mama

Thanks to a Friday sleepover visit from the kids’ great Grandma Stella, I have been enlightened on various subjects:

1. I cannot cook, but luckily she will teach me .

2. I would enjoy food prep more if I started with a glass of wine.

3. My blog is fabulous, but it needs to be taken down due to a news report she saw on internet stalkers.

Over dinner with some old friends at Kate Mantilini, I thought about everything she said. Truth be told, their dinner rolls alone were better than my best home made meal. The more I sipped my white wine, the more I saw the merit of point #2… My floors were no longer third world… they were beautiful layers of linoleum in progress. My old window shades were no longer ratty pieces of ca ca… they were treatments in shabby chic parental design. But comment #3? I couldn’t shake the idea that some stranger could use info about my kids to bad ends. It’s an obvious concern, but until that moment, my biggest fear was that some third grader would use this online journal as fuel to taunt my child with photos of him in diapers (or a dress.). Or maybe some nosy PTA mom would decide my daughter wasn’t fit to be friends with her kid because I used the f-word in post #47. Selfishly, this site is such an outlet for me, and apparently a source of entertainment for a few people. The idea of taking it down broke my little housewife heart.

After downing a cheeseburger and throwing up in the bathroom (clearly I cannot handle alcohol on a Friday night -- Yes, I am that much of a wuss) I am opting for the conservative fix of changing my family’s names to code names. This is going to require a serious amount of editing, since I have 159 posts… good God!

*NOTE TO STALKERS… I won’t have all the names changed until mid week. If your palm pilot has you scheduled to break into my house before then, wear a sweater (it's cold in here), bring a dust pan, and be a thoughtful identity theft and bring a venti cappucino % with one of those rice crispy bars the size of robert downey jr’s liver.*

The realistic side of me knows that I have a small readership, so I’m probably being neurotic and obsessive. The mom side of me is relieved to know I’m protecting my little clan from any ill will. And the ego side of me is enjoying my new identity as Code Mama P Blogger. It’s all very clandestine. So sexy and sneaky. My dashing RX Seven loving husband is now Rex. My son shall forever be referred to as Stinker. My daughter will be Pipsqueak. My best friend’s name is already in code, so Cecelia can continue to live her quiet Encino life in utter privacy. My other friends live too far away to give a crap.

I have to stop typing now. My SUV-Mobile needs to be loaded for my top secret Sunday school mission tomorrow. I’d tell you more about it, but since I know your real names, I’d have to track you down and kill you. Guess I’m not the only one who had better go undercover.

(Pictured: Evidence of Stella’s visit. I swear that woman has a dust cloth and a level permanently lodged in her fingers, because when she leaves, everything is straightened, even and pressed. Is it the martini or her super power grandma skills? Don’t know. As a new super agent, I’m not asking questions or taking names. I’m just basking in the veil of darkness, man.)