Sunday, September 10, 2006

Growing Up

I have been a moody person lately. It's hitting me, at 36, that half my life might be over.

I could care less about a few wrinkles on my face. Well, I care a wee bit about my crows feet. I never did like birds. They poop on my car. Bird flu has taken its toll on more than a few babies and children. Big Bird is overrated. Fabio almost got his face pecked off by one. I can't even say the word 'woody' without giggling. The only fowl I like are chicken legs. Why couldn't they just call my eye lines that?

My point? I'm tired. And it gets me contemplating why we're all here. Yeah, yeah, most of you went through that in college, or your teens. You smoked pot, listened to Led Zeppelin, found religion, made hemp baskets and called it a day. Me? I was too busy getting knocked up by the wrong guy, getting married, getting divorced, breaking into tv, meeting the right guy, my show being canceled, popping out 2 kids then losing my dad. About two weeks ago on Tuesday I actually stopped running and had a moment to think about what life really means. I've come up with only one thing so far:

I'm scared.


Then I go online and find the most beautiful post by One Tall Momma.

It's a tribute to 911 that is different than any you've seen. Check it out.

Other insights are offered by Mandy, who has an amazing review of child rearing books, many dealing with Christianity (that many of you know I am delving more deeply into.)

And then there are women like Teri and Meno and so many more who are just trying to raise their daughters, clean their offices and find their place in this little world without condoms floating into their docks.

Any other insights into what keeps you all moving forward in this crazy existence? And the response “Grow up you baby” isn’t helpful. I’m working on it.


amisare waswerebeen said...

I try to look at life as one big opportunity to experience everything I an adventure. Much like when you're on vacation in a foreign land, you want to do and try as many things as you can fit in. That's life for me. Think of the hard times as a way to better appreciate the good times.

Teri M. said...

Whoa. Just last night I was wondering to myself (over and over and agonizingly over) when I was going to feel and act like a grown-up.
Big, BIG hugs, because I'm feeling exactly the same way.

laurzeilei said...

I go through these times myself. We all do. At the risk of sounding a tad corny...I think the key is living in the present moment and not worrying about the future or dwelling about the past. I wrote about this not too long ago while I was going through my phase of what you are experiencing now:


meno said...


Some days it's harder to come up with a reason for being than other days. But for me, it really is all about my little family. If i leave them with love, then it's ok that i never wrote the great American novel, or cured warts, or became famous for my acting prowess.

Sometimes i feel scared too. Courage.

War Bride said...

Big hugs from PA, Mama P. Unfortunately, I completely lack insight. :(

P.S. Warbride's husband comes home this week, and she is very very excited.

Lucia said...

There's really quite a span of years one can think about their life being half over. I only started thinking about that now, at 10 years older than you. Which really doesn't make sense, since that would make me far older than my parents were--50 and 65. I'm scared beyond belief about aging. Every time I have a birthday, I wonder what's happening to me and how old I am in relation to my life as a whole.

War Bride said...

also, I'm not sure if I told you or not....I have a new-ish blog that I actually update like a normal person, and it isn't locked like my livejournal or my myspace or my facebook (oh what a child of technology I am).

It's about writing, but at least it's about something.

Take care, Mama.

Mandy Klevenski said...

At times I'm really scared, other times I just try to put these thoughts out of my mind. On really good days, I think that "right now" is what I am here for and I remember to truly enjoy the moment and my kids and my life. I try not to hold out for some great answer to come in the future, but just try to find something meaningful about what I am doing right now. My existence may not matter to anyone else, but I know it matters to my kids. Taking care of them gives me a great sense of purpose. Thinking beyond that frankly scares me too. How odd that before I read this post I had been lying in bed a few nights ago with a painful fever, sick with the flu and had started to have a full blown panic attack thinking about when life ceases to exist as we know it. (big shudder) I do find comfort in there being more to life than what is immediately obvious to me, but that doesn't always make feel better right away. Big hugs from me too!

Erin said...

I think like this quite often and there is nothing pleasant about it at all. I'm beginning to believe that it _is_ a sign of having grown up, though, that you recognize your own mortality and how important it is to make the most of your opportunities while you have the time to do it. Doesn't make it any easier, of course. I am not on medication, and I haven't been to date, but sometimes I wonder if that's what mood altering meds are for -- people who recognize this reality. It sucks to be scared. The more I exercise, the less I freak out. I think the endorphins have something to do with it.

antonia said...

Doing things for other people keeps me going. And people with a dark, off-the-wall or just ridiculous sense of humour keep me going. I cherish them like I used to appreciate people who would step outside for a cigarette with me back when I smoked.

With baby #1 on the way, I worry that she will hit 21 and fall into deep navel-gazing blue funks like I and her father both did, and it's crossed my mind many times: what do I tell her is worth keeping going for? I suppose she has to find her own reasons. I hope you find yours.

Hugs from me too. Found you through Meno. Thank you Meno!