Friday, September 08, 2006

I'll Take An OB Gyn N Tonic

It's pretty sad that I had the best day ever thanks to my visit to the gynecologist. Here's a few reasons why:

1. It's one of those occasions that, despite it not being Sunday, my husband watched the kids.

2. He can't call me because cell phones aren't allowed within the medical facility.

3. I get to wait a long time in the waiting room, forcing me to read magazines that are almost one year old (which is more up to date than I normally am.) Hey, word on the street is that Miss Spears might be pregnant with #2!

4. Someone has a long conversation with me before feeling my breasts.

5. I get to put my feet in stir-ups without the pain of horseback riding, biking or spending money for a pedicure that my old socks are just going to peel off anyway.

6. While waiting in line at the laboratory, I get to talk to the old guy there for his colon cancer screening, as well as the young girl with the crop top and Paris Hilton shades. She's got her pimp daddy sixteen year old boyfriend with her, too, and he's soooo supportive of her getting on the pill for her acne. Sweet, huh? Also, according to Sheena, the receptionist, Walmart is running a special on White Stag.

7. Since Rex doesn't care about the details of a hair cut, let alone a small Asian woman with her hand up my vaja-jay chatting about America's Top Model, he doesn't ask for specifics. This includes questions related to why my one hour appointment took 4 hours. (Hey, a girl's gotta get a coffee when she can, leading me to number 8.)

8. I don't have a car (since Rex dropped me off) so I get to walk the .5 miles to the fancy McDonalds where I stretch out in the "lounge" and wait for my mom without having to negotiate sugar cookies, lemonade and explain the trauma of why this yuppie suburb doesn't have a play area.

9. I get a glimpse into the world of other women who aren't as healthy as I am and remind myself to stop bitching about things that don't matter.

10. When I come home, I get to freak Rex out by telling him that a weird thing happened. "That bladder infection? Not a UTI at all. I'm pregnant!"

No, I'm not really, you nosybodies.


cecelia said...

You're hitting on all cylinders today...this post was hilarious!

cecelia said...

Oh, I have to be APPROVED? Just for that I will have to think of some blatantly offensive thing to post next time....

Mandy Klevenski said...

Man, that was totally hilarious! Of course I was already laughing at the title, but was busting a gut by the end. Too funny!

amisare waswerebeen said...

Loved it, hilarious and so true. Thanks for the flight attendant joke too. Heard it before, but it's definitely worthy of a rerun.

Teri M. said...

Ha! Funny laaaady! And naughty lady! The look on Rex's face musta been the icing on your day. ;)

Toni said...

You shit. I totally thought you were. Remind me not to marry you.