Thursday, March 01, 2007

Stranger than Fiction...

...and oooh, the friction!

Did you know that in order to get a really good hoo-hoo wax one must hold down one's, errrrrrr, "area" with the same two words used to describe the frames around someone's mouth, so that they don't fly away when the beautician rips the hair off?

Here are four things I learned about this while getting a facial this morning. (Thanks Mrs. V for the gift card! I now look about 36 and 9 months instead of 37 - and I feel great. Also, despite the tranquility of the low lighting and herbal teas, I still managed to down 3 lemon cookies and a cup of Earl Grey before stretching out on the table, my heart fluttering like a hummingbird and having to pee like a racehorse being chased by a fox. Be warned, wordster women of cyberspace yonder - don't EVER fix to out-talk me in an animal similie. Save the tree frog!)

Questions about the mysterious Wax On/Wax Off

1. Why do I - someone not shy of speech - not directly use the word "labia" in above paragraph?

2. Isn't it amazing the information one can find from someone they just met? I mean, I went in for a zit pop and came out with a sex education. I have never discussed so much wiener with anyone in my whole life - not even my husband (both husbands for that matter.)

3. Why would someone, who is not planning on ever having ass sex, want to have her sisters ripped off the dirty highway? Please, someone in cyber space (preferably someone waxed like a little school girl) explain this to me. I'm Catholic and confused.

4. How is it that, besides me asking for information, I'm also able to get dirty details just by seeming friendly?

For example, the beautician could have simply answered, "Not usually" to my question of, "Do you ever get grossed out by pouring hot wax on womens' va-jay-jays?"

Instead, she squeezed yet another blackhead and volunteered, "I don't mind cleaning down South one bit. (Pause) Except for that one time I almost puked while grooming a midget..."

This is where I audibly yelp in surprise, but since she doesn't know that shock is incredibly rare for me, she simply apologizes for squeezing a pimple so hard.

She continues, "I mean, I wasn't freaked out by her tiny size. But, since she was too short to climb onto my table, I found myself in the awkward position of hoisting her up there myself.

Then the midget's friend found herself in a worse awkward position of holding down the midget's "area"0 since, given her buddy's stumpy arms, the midget couldn't cover them herself. She pressed, I waxed, the midget screamed - loudly. Small bodies, but same vocal range."

No joke, people. I can't make this shit up.

What did ya'll discuss before the morning coffee sunk in?


Erin said...

A woman I know who regularly gets the brazillian treatment says she has to get on all fours to allow for full access to certain locations.

I do not see the appeal.

Maggie said...

Well I was discussing the drying grout before that morning coffee, but after that reading, I'm going to need another cup.

meno said...

Um, waxing of the privates. Does that come with codeine? Otherwise, forget it.

labia, labia, labia. See it gets easier.

Mama P said...

Erin - sadly I don't know a brazilian from a landing strip. But a south American coffee on a landing of green grass sounds heavenly.

Maggie - Perhaps if I waxed while doing home repair I'd be too horny to worry about dust.

Meno - I am with you on the coedine. As for "labia labia labia"... it's still hard to say. Which is so lame, because my mother in law, the most proper person on the planet, saw my daugther thrust out of my nether regions and I couldn't give a hoot. Go figure.

TTQ said...

Before my wedding last June, I got totally waxed, unbeknownst to my future husband..however I have very sensitive you know when you give blood and the tape leaves a bruise? Talk about a bruise and a smooth surface..very freaky (and not in a good let's get freaky kinda way). I also had a black eye from false eyelashes from the trial make-up and hair appt day...the good news? None of those injuries showed up in the wedding pictures. It's still funny to us.