I kid you not when I tell you that Stink, upon hearing the rumble of the trash trucks this morning, took her bottle out of her mouth, sat up in my bed, and yelled, "Fuck! Fuck!"
Rex poked his head out of the bathroom. "You really have to stop cursing, Love". In my defense, I told him I hadn't been. He asked her to repeat it. Rex: "Say Truck, Squeaker. Truck!"
Silence. Then, Big Pipsqueak grin...
"FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"
That's my little lady. I'm keeping an open mind that she'll learn to pronunciate. But the day I find naked lady mud flaps on Stink's tricycle I'm calling 1-800-Speech Therapist.
PS: Thanks to Bridethatwas for reading my movie (which I won't post , so everyone relax) and passing it on to her upper managers at her production company. Fingers crossed. If it's going to be used for coffee coasters, let's at least pray they're for Starbucks cappucinos.
PSSSS.......... here's the rest of my pilot. No word yet from Super Agent.
ACT TWO
SCENE A
INT. OFFICE - A FEW DAYS LATER (FRANKIE, JIMMY)
Jimmy is sleeping on a mattress in the middle of the office.
FRANKIE
I knew you and Hillary were fighting, but this seems ridiculous.
JIMMY
Crazy Eddy sucked me into a buying a bed, but Hillary thinks I bought her cruise tickets, so I'm hiding the evidence while I figure out how to pay for both.
FRANKIE
You could return the mattress and tell Hillary the truth.
JIMMY
I'd rather live in fear of bankruptcy and divorce, curled up in this fetal position. Could ya leave me a bowl of water?
FRANKIE
Sure. (HANDING HIM A LAP TOP) But while you're regressing, I need you to fill that job order. I've got private school tuition to pay for.
JIMMY
Your comforting side is your best quality. What do you do when your kids scrape their knees? Have them fill out college applications?
FRANKIE
Nah. I told them I wouldn't be able to send them since my business partner is such a wuss.
JIMMY
A wuss with the best mattress in town, baby!
As Jimmy turns to his computer, cut to:
END OF SCENE A
-----------
SCENE B
INT. LIVING ROOM - A FEW HOURS LATER (JIMMY, HILLARY)
Jimmy comes home to the baby screaming. His toddler is going through Hillary's boxes and there's popcorn everywhere. The normally high strung Hillary has Hawaiian music playing.
JIMMY
Honey, are you aware that Hurricane Toddler has been elevated from a warning to a touch down?
HILLARY
So, it's a bit messy in here.
JIMMY
A bit messy? We could apply for FEMA.
Nicky throws, and breaks, a vase. Sophie screams louder.
JIMMY
(A la newscaster) This just in: We are now eligible for FEMA.
HILLARY
More money for pina coladas. I don't see mess... I see beaches. I don't hear crying... I hear ocean.
JIMMY
We're... not going to the beach.
HILLARY
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh. (THEN) Is it skiing? A spa? Wait, don't tell me.
JIMMY
I don't want to tell you, but...
HILLARY
Stop! (Taking his hand) Remember the fun of first dating? When everything was new and fantastic and exciting? When you couldn't wait to see what was going to unfold?
He does. Far too well.
HILLARY
I feel that way for the first time since I had Nicky. I know it's dumb, but it took this vacation for me to feel alive again. Don't ruin it. Just give me a teeny hint: hot or cold.
JIMMY CAN'T BREAK HE RHEART
JIMMY
Cold. Very very cold.
HILLARY
Then step this way mister, because it's about to get very, very hot.
JIMMY
But what about the kids?
HILLARY
With how long it's been since we've had sex? We'll be gone 2 minutes tops.
As she drags him into the bedroom, cut to:
END OF SCENE B
-------------
SCENE C
INT. OFFICE THE NEXT MORNING (JIMMY, FRANKIE)
Jimmy is now holding court on his office mattress: pillows, papers and fax machine. He slams down the phone.
JIMMY
I hate Crazy Eddy. I hate that my mortgage is due and I have to dip into savings. And I hate this music.
Frankie turns off the stereo.
FRANKIE
Any calls?
JIMMY
(Staring at her red sweater) Elmo. He wants his mommy back.
FRANKIE
This is red cashmere, you freak. And I'm sick of your attitude. It's not my fault you're not getting sex.
JIMMY
Oh, I'm getting it alright. Twice last night, once this morning.
FRANKIE
Then what's the problem, stud?
JIMMY
I can't believe I'm saying this, but given the false pretense my wife is in, I didn't enjoy it.
FRANKIE
Ooooh. Under that grouchy exterior beats the heart of a teddy bear. Guess you're heading toward telling Hillary the truth?
JIMMY
Yeah. I'm just not sure if I should tell her on the slopes or on the plane ride home.
FRANKIE
That's your plan?
JIMMY
It's either that or kidnap a financial analyst-slash-Play boy bunny away from Hugh Hefner's mansion, place her with Crazy Eddy, then keep my mouth shut.
FRANKIE
Great plan. Maybe we can get a job order from the Delusion Institute while you're at it.
JIMMY
They already turned me down. But I hear the Insane Asylum has an opening.
CUT TO:
END OF SCENE C
-----------------
SCENE D
INT. FRANKIE'S HOUSE - THAT AFTERNOON (HILLARY, CLOE, NICK, JACK, CRAZY EDDY, FRANKIE, JIMMY)
Hillary and Jimmy's kids are playing trains and dolls with Frankie's kids in the living room. Cloe supervises as Hillary folds laundry in shorts and a tank top.
HILLARY
(HOLDING TINY GLOVES) The irony of being both a mother and a terrible housewife is I can never tell if these gloves are my kids or mine.
CLOE
(LOOKING AT LABEL) Unless you've picked up a train fetish lately, I'm thinking they're Nick's.
HILLARY
Then where are mine?
CLOE
Frankie has a million. Borrow from her.
HILLARY
The only thing we share is a nanny.
NICK
And making fun of Daddy.
JACK (frankie's son)
And you and my mommy both work. Though my mommy says she makes more money than you.
NICK
Well my Mommy told my daddy that she doesn't like your mommy.
HILLARY
Nick, that's not nice!
JACK
It's okay. My mommy told my daddy she doesn't like you very much either.
CLOE
Jack, what did we say about repeating things you hear from other people?
JACK
That I should keep it to myself. Especially the thing about Hillary's vacation being a gi-normous lie.
HILLARY
When did you hear that?
JACK
When I was hiding under the mattress Jimmy and my mommy were sitting on.
HILLARY
That's it. Cloe, you're on kid duty. I'm not letting something so precious to my heart just be ripped away.
CLOE
I know Frankie's not your favorite, but I can bet my life she isn't taking Jimmy from you.
HILLARY
You're probably right. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about my vacation.
On that last note, Hillary exits in a huff.
CUT TO:
END OF SCENE D
--------------
SCENE E
INT. OFFICE
Jimmy is sitting on the mattress in the middle of the office. Frankie is sitting next to him on it. Crazy Eddy is pacing.
CRAZY EDDY
Do you mean to tell me in the entire state of Texas you could not find one woman that has a background in finance, the brain of Bill Gates and the knockers of Daisy Duke?
FRANKIE
Shocking, isn't it? (THEN) What about Georgia Porter?
JIMMY
Georgia turned out to be a George. And he didn't even bother to shave his legs for the interview.
CRAZY EDDY
I'm sorry people, but if you can't find a chick to fill my henhouse I'm gonna have to find some other cat that can.
Just then Hillary enters. She is on fire. So on fire, she's hot hot hot.
HILLARY
Pardon the interruption, but if I learned anything at the Wharton School of Business and all my years selling stock it's that one and one ain't three, and from what I'm seeing and hearing, something isn't adding up.
CRAZY EDDY
By whose calculations?
HILLARY
Who the hell are you?
CRAZY EDDY
What I want to know is who the hell are you? (LOOKING AT FRANKIE AND HILLARY) And why have you been hiding this lovely firecracker from me?
JIMMY
This is my wife, Hillary. And I have a bit of explaining to do.
HILLARY
You're damn right. You can start with why you and Frankie are on a mattress.
CRAZY EDDY
Not just any mattress, but a posture perfect thousand dollar luxury spring.
JIMMY
It is pretty comfortable. (THEN) And the truth is I bought it for you and me, but then you thought I got you a vacation and I didn't want to disappoint you, so I hid the evidence.
HILLARY
You're no better than Nick. Just yesterday, he put the lid back on the cookie jar on, thinking I wouldn't notice a few cookies missing, but then he left crumbs all over the counter.
JIMMY
That was me.
HILLARY
You're not helping your case.
JIMMY
Would a sorry help?
HILLARY
That and a promise to take the kids all weekend so I can sleep.
JIMMY
You got it. (OFF HANDEDLY TO EDDY) My wife's quite the negotiator.
HILLARY
Well, I better go unpack.
CRAZY EDDY
Hold up, Cowgirl. Stop this here mopin', cause you ain't got time for a vacation anyway. Beginning Monday morning, you are my new mattress spokeswoman.
HILLARY
Aren't you Crazy Eddy?
CRAZY EDDY
Indeed I am.
HILLARY
No offense, but I think your commercials are completely sexist.
CRAZY EDDY
Oooh, that hurt. You'll be earning a big corner office to smack me around some more.
HILLARY
You couldn't pay me enough to work for you.
He writes something on a sheet of paper and shows her.
HILLARY
Except that. But I'll need time off for preschool functions.
CRAZY EDDY
Fine.
HILLARY
And half days Fridays.
CRAZY EDDY
Of course.
HILLARY
And this bed moved for free from this office to my bedroom, with the promise from that man right there that if he ever wants to sleep on it he is never going to lie to me again.
JIMMY
Deal.
CRAZY EDDY
What about us lovely lady. Deal?
HILLARY
Deal.
CRAZY EDDY
(TO JIMMY AND FRANKIE) I'll express you a commission check tonite. Deal?
FRANKIE
Deal.
Hillary leaves, followed by Crazy Eddy.
JIMMY
What just happened?
FRANKIE
I believe you get to stop sleeping on the futon, your household income just got doubled and we made a commission.
JIMMY
Now that's a deal.
CUT TO:
END OF SCENE E
----------
SCENE F
INT. LIVING ROOM/BEDROOM/LIVING ROOM - THAT NIGHT
(JIMMY)
Jimmy is gathering his pillow and blanket off the couch. He picks up the teddy bear from the first scene.
JIMMY
If one bear ends up in a trash can, and no toddler is around to see it, does that mean it didn't happen?
Jimmy takes a quick look around, then volleys the bear into the trash can.
JIMMY
He shoots, he snoooooooooores! (Talking to can) I'm off to sleep with my wife, suckaaaa!
He exits the livingroom and walks into the bedroom.
INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jimmy walks in. He turns on the light.
SFX: Light on
Hillary makes the "shhh sound" as she points to Nick and Sophie, sleeping in bed with her.
HILLARY
(MOUTHING WORDS) Sorry. Love you!
Jimmy smiles as he looks at his family. He mouths the words back to her.
JIMMY
Love you, too.
He means it. On his face is an expression of disappointment, but and frustration, but above all, love.
Jimmy exits the bedroom to go back to his old standby.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVINGROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jimmy puts his pillow and blanket back on the couch. He lays down when he hears...
SFX: Trash can. A tiny bear voice is heard.
TEDDY BEAR (O.S.)
If a guy gets a new bed but he has two kids, do you really think he's going to use it?
CUE: LIGHTS ON
Jimmy picks up the bear and opens the front door.
Jimmy throws the bear.
SFX: Teddy bear voice
We can hear the bear's voice trailing off screen.
TEDDY BEAR
You're still not going to get lai-----
Jimmy turns the lights out.
FADE OUT
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