Scenes 4, 5 & 6

So this takes you thru to Act 1. Act 2 will be posted tomorrow in one big post to make it easier to read.

SCENE D
EXT. STORM CELLAR - MOMENTS LATER (JIMMY, GEORGE, CRAZY EDDY, FRANKIE, HILLARY)

Jimmy steps outside his house to see George walking up the driveway they share. He's still in a kilt.

JIMMY
Wow. It's like a scene out of Rob Roy. If Rob Roy were a geek and carried a cell phone.

George sits down next to him with a sigh.

JIMMY
Bad day on the battlefield?

GEORGE
Turns out it was a company takeover party and the new C.E.O. Is from Mexico, not Scotland.

JIMMY
Ay yay yay! In a tribute to his homeland, have a Corona.

GEORGE
Gracias. (NOTICING JIMMY) Bad day for you, too?

JIMMY
Depends on your definition of "bad day". Does being in debt and fighting with your wife count?

GEORGE
It's better than lots of money and no wife to fight with.

JIMMY
Most days I'd agree with you, bud. But today I just miss being...

He's struggling.

JIMMY
...Free.

There. He said it.

JIMMY
How about you, buddy. Ever think about cheating?

GEORGE
Every time I see Laura Croft.

JIMMY
With a real woman.

GEORGE
Are you kidding? Real women don't go for me. The first time I got Frankie in bed, I flipped her over to check for batteries. (THEN) How about you?

JIMMY
Sure, I think about it. But I wouldn't. My wife is way too smart.

GEORGE
What if you couldn't get caught? Like with our hot little nanny?

JIMMY
I have two words for you: Jude Law. (Then) I just wish my wife weren't so stressed out. She's acting crazy.

GEORGE
Frankie was nuts until the kids started school. Hillary will find her groove again soon.

JIMMY
I hope so. Because as nice as your legs are, I'd rather be drinking this beer with her.

A beat.

JIMMY
You know, even if I knew I would never get caught, I still wouldn't cheat. (THEN) And I thought my wife was crazy.

As they down some beer, cut to:

SCENE E

ACT ONE SCENE SEVEN - INT. OFFICE

Frankie is dealing with Mr. Edwards who can't sit still.

CRAZY EDDY
...I don't understand why it's taking so long to fill this job.

FRANKIE
Perhaps if you sat down, I could show you some resumes--

CRAZY EDDY
Sit, schmit. I lay around on mattresses all day. And if those mattresses could talk--

FRANKIE
They'd ask why you've turned down 3 of our best sales guys.
(pointing to one)
Jim McQuilan has five years of financial analysis.

CRAZY EDDY
But he doesn't have breasts.

FRANKIE
And you need breasts to get a sale?

CRAZY EDDY
I'm giving you a job, ain't I?
(then)
Look, I run a mattress business, and if there's one thing I know about sales, if my head of sales is going to sell mattresses, she has to look good on one.

An exhausted Jimmy enters.

CRAZY EDDY
Take this man over here. Is there nothing you like better than a good looking woman on a mattress?

JIMMY
I don't know. It's been so long, I wouldn't recognize one.

FRANKIE
With the way Crazy Eddie operates, I'm shocked he ever sees one either.

CRAZY EDDY
I like you. You're bold enough to call me on my crap. And smart enough to know that for the extra 10% I just raised you, you'll find me a head of sales with all the right attributes.

FRANKIE
As soon as I take off my bra and clean my oven, I'll get right on it.

She exits.

CRAZY EDDY
She's feisty. You and her ever...?

JIMMY
Nah. I'm a celibate fellow.

CRAZY EDDY
So you're married.
(then)
Look, come on down to my mattress warehouse. I'll hook you up in more ways than one.

JIMMY
With all due respect, Mr. Crazy Eddy, I'm a professional who is going to fill your job order, not some schlub who's going to pay astronomical prices for a mattress you claim can get me sex.

CUT TO:

SCENE F
ACT ONE, SCENE EIGHT - HOME

Ext. House - Jimmy, out of breath, puts a mattress up against the side of the front door and enters.

JIMMY ENTERS TO FIND HIS WIFE LOOKING AT THE PACK N PLAY.

HILLARY
Shhhh... the baby just went down.

He sits on the couch. On the teddy bear.

SFX bear: I got honey honey honey in my tummy tummy tummy YUMMMY!

HILLARY
Thanks a lot!

They are both now screaming over the toy and screaming baby.

JIMMY
I'M SORRY! HANG ON!

TAKING A BINKY FROM HIS POCKET, HE PUTS IT IN THE BABY'S MOUTH.

JIMMY
Well whatcha know about this?

CLOSE UP: BABY WITH BINKY THAT HAS FAKE BUCK TEETH ON IT.

HILLARY
Do I laugh, cry or call an orthodontist?

JIMMY
Smile, because I have a surprise for you. (BEAT) You're not smiling.

HILLARY
That's because surprises "for me/from you" all have cords, remotes or fish tank sized speakers.

JIMMY
That's not true.

HILLARY
Five words for you: Anniversary Car Seat Ass Warmers.

JIMMY
You're always calling me a pain in the butt. Didn't those help? (OFF HER SMILE) That's better. Now as shocking as this sounds, I've been listening to how exhausted you are. I spent almost a grand of savings, but it's something we both can share. Starting this Monday, you're getting--

HILLARY
--A vacation? You booked a vacation!?

JIMMY
(SHOCKED) I.. Uh...

HILLARY
Oh, honey... no dishes. No kids!

JIMMY
Wait... wait...

HILLARY
We can finally have sex again!

JIMMY
(NOW HE'S ON BOARD) Surprise!!!

She jumps in his arms and hugs him. When she walks away, she leaves milk stains on his blouse.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE